When I was little I was told to dream big, that anything is possible for those that work hard. As I got older I learned that wasn’t entirely true: there is bias, discrimination, illness, tragedy and other factors at play that are out of our immediate control. But still, diligence, a little luck and the right connections can go a long way. We call people ambitious when they are dedicated to achieving their goals and most of the time this is a compliment. However, there is a tricky line we walk, especially as women, but specifically as caregivers regardless of gender identity, where ambition is often accompanied with conditions and guilt.

Confession time: when Miguel booked Hamilton I was conflicted. Don’t get me wrong, I was unbelievably excited for him, for us! Even with my six-figure job, thanks to the cost of living in the vicinity of New York, we were largely living hand-to-mouth when Miguel was between shows. Hamilton would allow us financial security for at least several years. There was also the notoriety of the job, the once-in-a-lifetime experiences, and of course being thrilled that Miguel was being recognized for the incredible talent that he is. But on the flip side of that, Mig becoming Hamilton meant that I had to leave my career behind. My career that had bought our house in New Jersey, covered our children’s healthcare and had been our sole financial income when Miguel was between shows. I loved working outside our home and was proud when Miguel called me his “Sugar Mama.” Never once did I think I would ever give up my financial independence to work in our home. I was too ambitious for that. Of course, never once did I think my husband would be cast as a lead in arguably one of the most successful Broadway shows EVER and have my daughter diagnosed with epilepsy in the very same week. What is the saying? God laughs at our plans? Someone sure must have gotten a real hoot out of mine…

Now, before I piss anyone off I want to clarify a difference between being a stay-at-home parent, which is typically a career choice, and being a professional caregiver, which can be thrust upon us. I was always Adelaide’s mother, but at times I was also her nurse/therapist/pharmacist aka caregiver. Being a stay-at-home parent requires a different kind of ambition - one that has a more micro focus to nurture humans that will then go on to make the world a better place. While I love a good detail, my ambition is more macro - also, I want to be the one that makes the world a better place. Enter guilt. Is this my ego speaking? Am I being selfish? For years I thought my ego was a bad thing, but I think I was confusing my ego with ambition. Ambition that had been fostered and nurtured in me by my own stay-at-home mother when I was child. How’s that for full circle?

So, when years of hard work, ambition, and relative success were stripped away, yeah, I was conflicted. I can still recognize how unquestionably fortunate we were for the financial security that allowed me to be home full time AND simultaneously feel like my ambition was being constricted.

To this day, I still feel guilty that I was unhappy about leaving my career to care for my family. EVEN THOUGH I wanted to care for them and did. Admittedly, I also worry about the perception: poor privileged white girl who had to stop working and could afford to do so. I Imagine that is how some people may perceive me and maybe there is some truth to that - but it’s complicated. It was my ambition that had paid for our children to be in daycare so Miguel could have his days free to audition and then, overnight, conditions were placed on that same ambition and I felt that the world expected gratitude from me in return.

When our ambition is thwarted - even when it is done unintentionally by loved ones - it is ok to be upset, to feel like we are not honoring a part of ourselves. We can be grateful to be able to care for our loved ones AND miss our old lives and the potential they held. Then, when our feet are a little more solid beneath us (which takes time), we can redirect that ambition and adapt (be the cockroach). Through CURE Epilepsy, writing this blog and being an advocate I found ways to channel my ambition while working in our home. It was the balance of this work that kept me sane. I’m fairly certain this is why there are so many fierce warrior mama and dad advocates out there. Their ambition as they knew it was stopped in its tracks, so they built a new track and carried on. Do not be afraid of your ambition. Do not feel guilty because you want more. Focus, rechannel and never be ashamed to explore your potential regardless of the conditions life has placed on you. Being a caregiver does not have to mean being a martyr.