This week I was faced with my first life altering decision in months. It’s not life or death, but has the possibility to shape the next few years of my life. While weighing the pros and cons, risks and rewards, I felt so rusty and out of practice. I couldn’t help but think that Kelly of two years ago would have seen the answer much more clearly, or at the very least been more comfortable with the choice once it was made. My special needs mother superpowers are dulling.

As Adelaide’s mother I made life or death decisions daily, often with only seconds to weigh my options. Other times, I may have had days to weigh the risk vs reward of a new medication or procedure but the consequences were no less critical. Whether it took moments or months to assess the returns I knew that I was making the best decisions with the information available to me in those moments. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t beat myself up when the results didn’t turn out as we had hoped. But there also wasn’t much time to dwell as there was another crisis, another flash point, waiting around the corner.

When I was truly in my stride as Adelaide’s mom I felt like a master decision maker for all things in life. The weight of the decisions I had to make for Adelaide’s care were so heavy that all other decisions felt, if not trivial, certainly manageable. I developed a clarity in perspective: what kind of car to buy, which extracurricular activities Jackson would be enrolled, what to have for dinner. Decisions that I might have labored over before Adelaide, no longer carried the same burden. Of course they were still important and deserved proper consideration but they paled in comparison. Ok, you got me, I’ve never actually cared about what kind of car we have and I will still labor over furniture and home decor decisions for days, but you get the point.

By no means do I wish to EVER have to make daily life and death decisions again. Under any other circumstance, ie was it not my child’s life at stake, the pressure would have been unbearable. But there was no one else better informed to make those decisions so I had to figure out a way to bear the unbearable - for Adelaide. However, I do want to hold on to that perspective and confidence. Like I knew Adelaide best, I also know myself and my family best. I can consult with others, as I did with Adelaide, but in the end I have to trust that I will make the best choice with the information available in the moment, just as I used to. 

Assess the information, make a decision, be confident with decision, move on.

Assess, make, be, move.

Broken down it seems so simple and it can be if we let it. My daily perspective is not as intense and I certainly have more time to dwell, but the superpower is still there - I just need to flex it.

Assess, make, be, move.

Assess, make, be, move.