Monday is the Fourth of July, and well, the holiday is hitting a little differently than it did in the summer of ‘89 when my brother and I wore matching outfits and my bangs were cemented in place with Aquanet. Over the last few years I’ve looked on as a number of my black friends had complicated emotions surrounding the holiday. While I respected their feelings and understood to the best of my ability, the holiday still rang true for me.

Then, last month I was in Savannah for my future sister-in-law’s bachelorette party at a dueling piano bar. It was only days after the massacre of the school children in Ulvade, Texas. Someone in the bar requested “God Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood, with its famous lyric “I’m proud to be an American”. I’ve sang along to this song for my entire life, but that night, surrounded by about a hundred other Americans of varying intoxication levels, I couldn’t bring myself to stand and sing. In that moment, reflecting on all the lives lost to gun violence, all the lives that wouldn’t have been lost in other developed countries because they do not have the same gun culture that we do, I wasn’t proud to be an American.

As of today it’s been a week since the Dobbs decision came down. I haven’t said a lot publicly because, well, I just haven’t been sure of what to say. Devastated doesn’t even really come close. How do you even put into words the way it feels to have the highest court in the land deem women unable to make a medical choice about their own bodies? To again have more in common with developing nations than our more established peers? Well, it doesn’t make me proud that’s for sure.

The thing is, I WANT to be a proud American! But gosh dang it, current events sure aren’t making it easy. That said I am certainly not about to abandon this country or give up. To anyone reading this who is offended, that feels my words are unpatriotic, I would argue that they are the exact opposite! I love this beautiful country, its purple mountains, lakes and shining seas. The first time I traveled internationally (beyond Mexico or Canada, that is) I was 26 and I met someone from The Netherlands who was shocked that I had never before left North America. I tried to explain that the the United States has it all. That I didn’t need to leave my country to got to beach, or the desert or experience world renowned art. How amazing is that!

I also love that America’s culture is known for being a melting pot of a variety of ethnicities, religions and customs. This is one incredible aspect of our country that has made us unique! Homogeny be damned we are all different and THAT is something to be proud of.

It is why it is so hard to look around now at the divided factions and the bubbling hate and suppression. We should want this nation to be great for all of its citizens, regardless of gender, ethnicity, race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, gender identity, economic status or age. In my naivety, I thought these were shared American beliefs. However, through the various recent social movements, it is evident that this is not the case and it is heartbreaking. Certainly I’ve understood that discrimination across the spectrum has been a very real and a major issue since the birth of our nation. I guess I just assumed that most people recognized these problems and also wanted to fix them. 

I’m quite aware that this is not revelatory. Again, as I said, my black friends have been trying to make this clear to me for years. I’m embarrassed that it’s taken me this long to fully understand how these emotions can effect their relationship with patriotic events and symbols. As I struggle to come to terms with not being able to stand and sing that I’m proud to be an American alongside a few over served frat boys, I am holding on to hope that we can grow to become a nation that represents and values us all. So I will vote and donate, protest and post to fight for an America that I can be proud of. One that is inclusive and empathic, that is ruled by the majority not the few, that is learning, growing and adapting with the times.

This Fourth of July I will celebrate the nation we can be. The nation we aspire to be. I will celebrate all the good that has been done, the freedoms that have been won. But I can no longer look past our atrocities and claim blind pride. There is so much work to do and there is no more space for complacency.