After I wrapped recording for the Normal Broken audiobook on Tuesday, (it only took me two days, take THAT Carrie Bradshaw (though I did still have to take a couple of tear breaks)) I met up with a friend for coffee. She asked me if I could believe that everything with the book was coming together and actually happening. To which I responded, “Yes! It’s only taken forever!”

Seriously though, this book has been YEARS in the making. Once I was able to think remotely clearly after Adelaide died, (so like a year, at least) I knew I wanted to write a book. I worked with a writing coach to improve my writing, put together a proposal, and stalked literary agents for MONTHS with no luck. I started to get discouraged, and considered self-publishing, but my dream was really to work with a traditional publishing house and I needed an agent to do that.

At some point, I wrote a note to myself in a mini-notebook, tore the note out, and hung it on the window in front of my desk. It said, “IT WILL HAPPEN”. I still have that piece of paper, though now it’s pinned to a bulletin board right next to a wooden circle on which I wrote the word ‘survive’: my goal for making it through my first grief retreat at Hayden’s House.

Look, I am not someone who believes that if you work hard enough then anything is possible. I tried that years ago with an acting career and my name has yet to appear on a marquis. There are just too many other factors involved to believe that hard work and persistence will deliver our dreams.

But sometimes it does.

Yesterday I posted the dates for my book tour. MY BOOK TOUR. It is ten cities long - so far - with more to come in the new year. I am going to be away from my family for 10 days – who in the world do I think I am?! Please, you guys better show up or I am going to be SUPER lonely.

These last few weeks before publication day are feeling a bit manic. Marketing always feels like that to me though. It’s such a hustle and a grind, exhibiting zero shame in asking everyone to buy the book, help me make connections, and promote it. But I also need to know that I did everything I possibly could to give this book the best chance at making it out into the world.

Not so unlike making sure we had done everything we could for Adelaide, before releasing her spirit from her body. I desperately needed to know that we had tried everything, taken her everywhere, done every test. Perhaps all these emotions are mixing together because it was around this time four years ago that we finally decided to take the steps needed to let her go.

It’s hard not to relive the days and weeks leading up to a loved one’s death, especially as the anniversaries roll closer. Facebook’s memory feature certainly helps this along too. This is how I learned that four years ago yesterday was Adelaide’s Make-A-Wish birthday party. An event that was put together days before when we realized that she was not going to make it to her actual birthday.

This time of year, these alerts are the equivalent of doom scrolling through your memories. You know what is coming, but the smiling person in the photograph has no idea. I mean, we knew she was dying but we had no idea when and I never could have predicted how grieving her would affect every aspect of my life moving forward. She would hold on for two more excruciating and beautiful weeks before leaving us.

When we chose the publication date for Normal Broken, I was adamant that it not be in October. I needed space for Adelaide’s death day on the 12th and her birthday on the 17th, which are both sacred days to me. Maybe at some point in the future, I’ll be able to treat them like typical days, but not yet. It didn’t dawn on me though, that I would be in the thick of marketing at this time.

Sorry, this took an unexpectedly dark turn. I had wanted to write something positive and motivational about going after what you want and new beginnings. But I suppose when what you want is all tied up in the death and grief it gets a little messy. I guess it is a humble reminder, as I’m getting bogged down in emails and spreadsheets, as to what this is all for. WHO it is all for.

This book, my journey to publishing it, and all the heartache and tears that went into it, is a little bit for me and a lot bit for all the broken grievers wishing they could feel even a smidge more normal again.

This book will be published.

Adelaide and all our lost loved ones will be remembered.

We will grieve.

We will heal.

We will survive.

And then we will grieve and heal some more.

It will happen.

ID: A photograph of Miguel, Kelly, Jackson, and Adelaide from Adelaide's 4th birthday party. Jackson and Miguel are wearing ladybug headbands, and Adelaide is wearing a flower crown. On top of the photograph is a piece of paper torn from a small notebook with the words, "IT WILL HAPPEN" written on it and a squiggle below. On top of the paper is a small wooden circle with the word "Survive" written on it in gold ink. All three items are on top of two copies of Kelly's book, Normal Broken.