ADOPTION DOSSIER CHECKLIST read the header. Below that followed a lengthy list of documents that would be required to process our international adoption application. 

- Original Birth Certificate-Parent 1

- Original Birth Certificate-Parent 2

- Original Marriage Certificate

- Original Divorce Decrees/Death Cert, if applicable 

If applicable. 

I had never looked at her death certificate. When the funeral home gave it to me in an unsealed envelope, I placed it in a large plastic tub with all the rest of the bereavement cards and funeral papers. Now, nearly two years later I pulled the tub from the closet, sifting through the well wishes, news clippings and mementos until I saw the funeral home logo peeking out from underneath a stack of leftover programs. 

Back in my office, surrounded by her books, stuffed animals and blankets, I pulled the paper from the envelope.

Decedent’s Legal Name - Adelaide Grace Cervantes

Age at Last Birthday - 3 Years

Cause of Death - Acute Chronic Respiratory Failure, Unspecified Neurodegenerative Disorder

Significant Other Conditions Contributing to Death - Infantile Spasms, Epileptic Encephalopathy

Is it weird that seeing infantile spasms and epilepsy on her death certificate brought me a sense of vindication? As if the bad guys had been convicted of the crime of her death for all to see. Sure, they are free to go around injuring thousands (IS) and millions (epilepsy) of others but at least they are being held responsible in the black and white print of her death certificate. Grief is so weird.

Two days after opening her death certificate I sat down with a social worker for an evaluation, followed by a full psychological evaluation with a psychologist the very next day. Both professionals asked detailed questions about the losses of both Adelaide and Elvis in an effort to assess my mental and emotional well-being as it relates to my capacity to parent another child. I’m happy to report I passed, but the close timing of these events was clearly not ideal and made for the successful landing of a powerful one, two, three punch. A near literal knock out that I had not seen coming.  By the time we left for vacation just a few days later, I was beating myself up over why my anxiety was so bad and how come I couldn’t control my PTSD with rational thought and just enjoy our time away. Ha!

If all goes according to plan, our home study should be compiled by the end of the summer - assuming we get back the background checks from EVERY STATE WE’VE EVER LIVED IN (which is a lot) in a timely fashion. Once the home study is completed we will be able to begin looking at available children’s files. We will still have some additional training (on top of the training we’ve already done) to complete as well as another large compilation of documents called our dossier. But as it stands now, and assuming we find our child waiting in those files, we’re still on track to head to their home country late winter/early spring 2022.

I am still incredibly excited - terrified too - but mostly excited about our pending adoption. But it’s a lot folks, in every way imaginable and in other ways I am only just learning about. While the impact of the evaluations may have caught me off guard, I have been preparing myself for the difficulty of looking at the child files. Of having to rationally assess if this child is the right fit for our family, the right sibling for Jackson. Of having to say no to the sweet faces and difficult stories those files will contain until we come across one to which our collective hearts say, yes. But also wrestling with the thoughts that this child is replacing Adelaide in our family in some way. I can hear the chorus of voices already, and yes, I know that no child can replace Adelaide, but this child would not be coming into our lives if not for Adelaide’s passing and it’s also not helpful that we are looking for a child that is 3-5 years old - right around Adelaide’s age when she died. So, it’s complicated, but I’ve been working through these thoughts and their corresponding emotions since we made the decision to adopt and know that, with Miguel by my side, we will find our child together.

I will always love Adelaide and feel connected to her still as if by some ethereal umbilical cord. And even though I will never have been biologically connected to our new child, I anticipate that I will grow to love them similarly. This time around stretch marks, gas and physical changes have been traded for a different, emotional kind of pregnancy that will come with its own pain, trauma and inherent beauty. This is all part of our family’s journey and oh, what an adventure it continues to be.