Ok, here we go. As I reemerge from social hibernation I am taking the tactic of dipping my toe into the pool to check the water before wading in. From social media, to blogging to events, I am giving myself permission to ease my way back in and only doing what feels right. Also, if something feels right one day and not the next, then that’s ok too. So, this week there is a blog - will there be one next week? Who the heck knows but today writing felt right.

January 5th, the last performance of Hamilton in Chicago, has been looming on our calendar for quite some time. I had thought that life would feel forever different on January 6th. This major demarcation in our lives. Of course, there was no way to know last year, when we learned of the closing date, how our lives would already have gone through a major tectonic shift. I know for Miguel the closing of Hamilton in Chicago was life-altering. This has been an epic chapter in his career and, from now on, his day-to-day life is changed. I thought I would feel similarly, but as the date approached I felt very little. It wasn’t until we were laying in bed the morning of January 5th that I realized why. Jackson had crawled into our bed at 7am, on the dot, as he always does. Miguel reminded him that this was the last day of Hamilton and asked if he was sad. We laughed when he responded, “no”, because of course, in his mind, this was a cause for celebration. For the time being he got his Daddy back! I said out loud, “after today our lives are going to be entirely different than they have been for the last three and a half years,” and then caught myself. It became clear to me why my feelings toward the show closing were apathetic. Yes, I was sorry to see the show come to a close and sad that this was the beginning of the end of our time in Chicago. But my life, every minute of every day of my life, had changed on October 12th when we lost Adelaide. 

On the timeline of my life there is BA and AA: Before Adelaide died and After Adelaide died. The closing of the show certainly registers as a meaningful date but, in personal emotional comparison, it is a blip. Now, just the thought of leaving Chicago gets my heart racing and my emotions jumping. When we arrived in this gorgeous city on September 11th, 2016 I thought we would be here one year. This was a great opportunity, but the first chance we had to get back to New York we would take it. Instead we fell in love with a city and its people. We made Chicago our home and let our roots take hold.

Very shortly after Adelaide passed we learned that Miguel would be offered the role of Hamilton in New York… yeah, we’ve known for awhile. I couldn’t even process what that meant for our family at the time. We knew Miguel should take the job but leaving Chicago seemed unfathomable. I told Miguel that he could go and fly back every Sunday and Monday, his days off, and Jackson and I would stay here for the foreseeable future. It took about a month for me to realize that this was not a long term solution and God bless Miguel for letting me come to that realization on my own. Thankfully, Miguel has about 7 weeks off before he has to report to Broadway and we plan on taking full advantage of every moment. Jackson and I will remain in Chicago allowing him to finish out 2nd grade, then we will bounce around in the summer before joining Miguel permanently at the end of August. We will return to our previous town in New Jersey and Miguel will take the NJ transit train into the city as we did so many times before. Almost, as if nothing has changed over the last four years…except it has. That we left New Jersey a family of four and are returning a family of three is one of the most painful thoughts I have yet to wrap my head around.

We bought a new house and Adelaide will still have a room which will double as my office. She will never physically be in that house but you better believe that I will make sure her presence is felt. Hopefully, not in a shrine-y sort of way. I do promise to keep the candle altar to a minimum and not completely replicate her Chicago bedroom. Aside from that, no guarantees. I don’t mean for any of this to sound as if I or we are ungrateful for this incredible job. We are also truly looking forward to being near our friends on the East Coast once again. We lived in the New York City area for 11 years before coming to Chicago and our ties there run deep. But somewhere along the way Chicago became home. Maybe more importantly, Chicago was Adelaide’s home. So, as I continue to find while grieving, the emotions are very contradictory. But that doesn’t make them false. It just is what it is. I can be heartbroken about leaving our community/home and simultaneously excited for the adventures and friends awaiting our return. If I’ve learned anything over the last five years, it is that there is no way to predict the future and making plans beyond the next few months is futile. Will we return to Chicago someday? It’s possible. We could also end up in LA or Charlotte or who knows where. That is not in my control and not something I have the capacity to concern myself with today. For now, I’m going to enjoy the next seven or so weeks with Miguel home. I’m going to take my time easing back into the world and be grateful for all the good that came out of the last four years. So. Much. Good.