Big good
It’s time for another episode of existential crises with Kelly Cervantes! This week I continue to wonder what/who do I want to be in this life? As it is apt to do, the end of the year has me re-evaluating every decision I have ever made and questioning if I’m doing all that I can/should be doing – for my family, career, personal health – you know, just… all of it.
In the past, especially given the state of my grief and emotional well-being, I have generally decided that whatever I’m doing in the moment is enough. That all I need to focus on doing is what feels right, right now. I basically abandoned future planning, because recent history tells me, what’s the point? But I am feeling more stable and happier than I have in years. Do I want more out of my life? If so, more of what? If I do have goals then I should probably be planning for them, no? Or is it ok to just continue to live how I have been – letting life happen an inchstone at a time?
I’m a fairly ambitious person, which should not come as any big secret. Go big or go home could be one of my life mottos. For example, I want to do good in the world, but not just any kind of good, I want to do big good. The whole idea of, “if I help one person then it will have been worth it”, is not enough for me. I want to help lots of people and if I can financially support my family while doing that then even better! For a while I thought I wanted a Glennon Doyle or Jen Hatmaker kind of career but I’m not so sure anymore. The amount of work that I would have to put in to make that happen is not appealing. No, that’s not right, I have no issue with the work, it’s the stress I’m averse to.
I used to think that big dreams needed to be fought for with every waking breath. That achieving anything worthwhile required a ten-cylinder push and if the goal wasn’t reached, then you just weren’t trying hard enough. I felt like I was racing the incoming tide, the water lapping at my feet. When Adelaide died, that mindset went with her. In part because, God-willing, I won’t have to fight that hard for the life of a loved one again anytime soon. But also, because I did absolutely everything I could, and it still wasn’t enough to save her. We can do everything right, make all the calls, sign all the papers, learn all the tips and tools and still our goals can evade us.
Lesson learned: The amount of effort exerted is not always correlated to success.
Surprisingly, the water lapping at my feet also doesn’t bother me the way it used to. Like that guy my husband plays on stage, I’ve spent much of my life feeling like I was running out of time. The funny thing is that you would think losing my daughter and being acutely faced with mortality would only ignite that further - but the opposite happened. I now understand how little control we have over the length of our lives. I could have another 50 years or 50 days – who knows! What I do know is that I don’t want to spend however much time I have stressing over expectations and goals I set for myself.
Which brings me to the stress inducing impetus of my latest identity crises. You see I’ve finally come to a place where I’m allowing growth in my life to occur at its own natural pace. I’m not worried about my follower count or submitting to every call for personal essays. I am content to work on my book and accept whatever opportunities come my way. I have even decided that I will try to be satisfied with whatever level of success I can achieve while maintaining my sanity and a manageable stress load.
But then last week I had yet another person reach out to publicly educate/debate me on adoption policies and procedures. I chose not to engage with them because I didn’t feel like getting into it again. So, I didn’t. This person continued to reach out finally accusing me of ignoring them, of treating them like a troll and being disingenuous.
My initial reaction was guilt because that’s my emotional knee jerk response to everything. I had written something and she had commented…extensively. Did I owe her a response? Was it a negative reflection of me that I hadn’t responded? Or, is this simply what I invite by being public with my life. The price to be paid. Wherein lies the question – am I willing to pay it? And if this one person could uncomfortably raise my stress level, then could I even handle the grander goals I think I want.
To be clear, this post has significantly less to do with one upset reader and more to do with me questioning what it is that I really want out of this life and what I’m willing to endure to achieve it. Is bigger actually better? Or can I be content as the big fish in my little corner of the vast internet pond.
Who am I kidding - I am always going to want to do big good. But gradually, with a nice slow build.
