Greeting from a hospice chaplain
With Memorial Day approaching, this felt like the perfect time to share a post written for Inchstones by Paulette Bilby, a hospice chaplain. I think I've shared before that prior to our experience with Adelaide, I understood very little about hospice. For starters I thought it was a place – so there’s that. During the two months that hospice workers were in our home I learned the beauty of their work, helping our family prepare for a life without a physical Adelaide all while keeping her as comfortable as possible and explaining to us what was happening, what to expect and what Adelaide needed now. I only met with the hospice chaplain once. I was resistant for the same reasons that Paulette outlines below but that was far from the reality. End of life is difficult, scary and emotional in all the ways you are well aware of, but we don’t have to do it alone.
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Hospice Chaplain. It is amazing how those two words can impact people and in so many different ways. I’ve actually thought about doing one of those cartoons, you know, the three images with one saying, “what patients and families think I do,” “what people who are not in hospice think I do,” and “what I really do.”
“What patients and families think I do,” would be a picture of a very stern looking individual, holding a Bible and thumping on it. Maybe with a sign behind the person saying, “repent, be saved, or you’re going to hell.” The snarky side of me wants to respond to that image with, “ok, but I’ll be driving the bus.”
“What people who are not in hospice think I do,” would be a picture of a person holding the hand of a very ill individual with a Bible on their lap. Maybe even a halo over their head. Trust me when I say there is no halo over my head.
Finally, “what I actually do,” would be an image of a person, sitting with a family and the sick individual, listening, and offering support. There would not be a Bible in sight (unless requested by the family) and there would be no preaching, no “saving,” no trying to convert. Heck, you don’t even have to be any type of a believer for me to come and visit you, and I promise, my visit will have no judgement!
It is a hospice chaplain’s responsibility to put their own theology and beliefs aside. Which is why when I go and visit a patient, I am constantly reminding myself, “this is NOT about me!” We are here to support and love. That is all.
Now, don’t get me wrong, when I see anything that raises a red flag, I inform the proper people. It also doesn’t mean that I won’t gently stand up to family members, if they are not respecting the patient’s wishes. If a patient wants to stop all treatment and just receive comfort meds, I will support that and I will assist that patient in talking to their family about their decision. My ultimate obligation is to support the patient.
Hospice is more than chaplain visits though; it covers a variety of services provided by a number of different professionals. A certified nursing assistant or CNA can assist with showers and/or bed baths as well as getting dressed. They can even apply makeup or jewelry. A registered nurse, or RN will oversee comfort medications and be on call for more skilled medical needs. A Social Worker can provide additional counseling to the patient, children and family members in the home as well as facilitate the creation of mementos. They can also work with the chaplain when deciding on a funeral home and funeral arrangements.
It's important to note that these services not only assist the patient but also offer much needed respite and support to the patient’s family and informal caregivers. Also, while there is usually protocol for the numbers of visits a week this is all open for discussion with the family based on the patient’s needs and proximity to end of life. To that end, you don’t have to wait until your loved one’s final days to reach out for hospice services. In fact, I have visited some of my patients for well over a year.
I could tell you stories that would make you laugh, like when an elderly man decided to stop chemo and his daughter shared that he would soon be seeing his wife in heaven. He looked me right in the eyes and said, “I’m going to hide!”. Some visits reinforce my belief in humanity and the good in people, others hurt so bad that you have to wait until you are alone to break down. I have said it many times: death and dying either brings out the best or the worst in people.
That said, I love being a hospice chaplain. To me this isn’t a job, but a calling. I love meeting people of all backgrounds, and beliefs. I love learning about things I’ve never experienced and probably never will. I’ve had conversations with Holocaust survivors, Pagans, Atheists, individuals so angry at God that they can’t even talk about it, people who have outlived all their children, and the list goes on.
All this to say, hospice services and hospice chaplains, in particular, are here to help. Please don’t hesitate to ask about and look into hospice care. I think you might be surprised.
-Paulette Bilby
Image description: Paulette is smiling and has long, reddish-brown, curly hair, glasses, fair skin and is wearing a black top with dangly silver earrings. Paulette's picture is side-by-side with a picture of Adelaide's hand holding Kelly's finger.
