Does this make me happy?
I am trying to resist the urge to write about the state of our country this week. At this point I know my fear-laced anxiety is shared by a majority of my readers and I have no new helpful strategies to share. Stay aware, engaged, pace yourself, and when all else fails, take a nap.
<deep breath reset>
So, every five years or so my life has undergone a major life refocusing.
- 2005-2010: Actress
- 2010-2016: Working in event sales/starting a family
- 2016-2019: Adelaide’s primary caregiver
- 2019-2024ish: Grieving/healing
If you were singing “One of these things is not like the other…” in your head, you are not wrong. Though not a “job”, grieving has still been its own focused stage. Now, other things happened over the last five years - not least of which was adopting Anessa and publishing a book (albeit about grief…). But no matter what I was spending my time on, grief and eventually healing from grief, was my focus. This means that my thoughts revolved around Adelaide, her absence, and my resistance to envisioning a future without her. Eventually it was clocking the progress I was making and likely working through the guilt that came with that progress.
Just as my thinking had once revolved around auditions and making the right connections, or meeting sales goals and selecting menu details, or administering medications and timing seizures - grief/healing was where my energy went. But over the last couple years there has been a gradual shift away from grief being my driving decision maker.
It’s not that I’m done grieving exactly, but it’s not requiring nearly as much of my energy as it once did. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a good thing. A healthy thing. But like all transitions it is uncomfortable. Like the first day of school, or the first day at a new job, being on the cusp of a something new is awkward. In the past it has taken me a year to adjust to a new focus. This one feels more ambiguous though, since it’s not coming with a career shift or a devastating diagnosis, or really any specificity as to what it is I am supposed to being focus on now.
For the first time in years, instead of my focus being what I am supposed to do or need to do, I feel like I get to choose what I want to focus on. Which, turns out, isn’t any less overwhelming.
In the past I equated my focus to my career. That changed when my career, in the traditional sense, was pulled out from under me to be Adelaide’s caregiver. It also brought on an identity crisis that I am not interested in repeating. So, moving forward I can have a career be it writing, speaking, or anything else that presents itself to me, but I no longer wish for my career to be my focus.
My focus also can’t be a goal, because I have a bad habit of making incredibly challenging, near impossible goals for myself that I have very little control over obtaining. Ok, I’m figuring this out in real time with you guys:
Not a career or goal.
It needs to be something I can control - maybe something I can drive is a better word,
And something that allows me to feel successful - because whether I like it or not, feeling successful is wildly important to me, (my enneagram 3’s get me).
Also, ideally something where I can see a direct correlation between what I put into it and what I get out of it. Because motivation.
So, as I’ve been going through this I keep coming back to one word and its sort of surprising me with its obviousness: I think I want to focus on being happy. I don’t think I have ever made personal happiness a focus in my life. It’s not that I’ve lived my life as any sort of martyr, quite the opposite. My focus has been motivated by success, ambition, financial gain, keeping Adelaide alive, etc. Now, I’m sure I thought that if I succeeded in these things that it would also bring happiness to my life, but time and time again I’ve managed to prove that theory false.
In fact, what I’ve experienced the last few months proves the reverse to be true. The days that I am happy I am a more attentive mother and spouse, my writing is better, and I am more motivated to contribute to my advocacy efforts. Now, I know this isn’t a novel idea, but being a stubborn eldest daughter, I guess I had to figure this out on my own.
Barring an asteroid that requires my time, energy and focus be pulled elsewhere, I’ve just decided, that the most important question I will be asking myself from now on is, “does this make me happy?” Not, do I think the product of this work will make me happy someday? Not, do I think this choice will make other people happy with me? And definitely not, this makes other people happy so it should make me happy to, right?
Of course, I’m still going to have to do things that I don’t enjoy, like laundry and asking my family twelve bajillion times to pick up after themselves. Because being happy doesn’t get me out of being responsible. And my empathic heart is still going to get its workout from the daily news cycle which I refuse to completely turn a blind eye to. But maybe that’s why I feel the urge to lean into my happiness now more than ever. Because in these times of chaos and uncertainty what is most precious is the security and stability we can create in our personal lives. And one way to do that is through maximizing our own joy and happiness.
Unfortunately, try as I might, my ambition and need for productivity aren’t going anywhere, but for the first time in my adult life I am going to try switching up the seating order. I don’t know how this will go or how long it will last - happiness is taking over with some fairly obnoxious backseat drivers, but I believe in her just like that silly little girl with the bowl cut above did.
Photo ID: Kelly, age 2.5 in a green jumper with a snowman on the front and a white shirt underneath. She is kneeling next to and leaning on a ratan chair with a backdrop of leatherbound books and a fireplace behind her. Her blonde hair is styled in a bowl cut with bangs and she is giving the camera a very large smile.
