The big MD

Loving on my girl in front of the Chicago skyline July, 2017

Well, folks, we are getting dangerously close to the big MD: moving day. Our original plan, you know before COVID laughed in our faces, was that Miguel would travel back and forth from New Jersey to Chicago every week on his days off from Hamilton and then Jackson and I would join him in NJ in August before school started. I wasn’t about to skip out of town before we enjoyed one last Chicago summer - a well-known, well-deserved and glorious reward for surviving a Chicago winter. 

<sigh>

Instead, our lives, like many others, came to a grinding halt which also halted any momentum I was very slowly working to build. A ball in motion is more likely to stay in motion right? Certainly more than the ball that is still in its pj’s holding down the couch. Unfortunately, there do not appear to be any life points for making sure inanimate objects stay in place. For months I’ve been treading tar but maybe, just maybe, with this move I can find that forward momentum again. 

To anyone who has asked, I’ve made it no secret that I would rather not leave Chicago. Our family loves it here where the theater is 20 minutes from our home, where I can walk to delicious restaurants and adorable boutiques but also have a car in a garage that I can drive to Target. It doesn’t get much more “best of both worlds” than that. However, it turns out that having a home in New Jersey and another in Chicago with no job - and no idea of when it is returning - does not make our savings account very happy. Considering that NJ will be our final destination it seemed silly to continue the mortgage hemorrhage if we could stop it. Look, we will be ok. We are grateful to have the savings account that we do and a home that we can sell.

Which brings us back to the MD. 

Sept 10, 2016 Leaving New Jersey with Adelaide, Tabasco, and Jackson

Monday, July 6th, the truck will roll in, load up and move out. Our family will follow suit the following morning. Up until this point its felt far enough away that it didn’t seem like it was really going to happen. But now with the boxes piling up, reality is setting in. 

A few weeks ago, as we were trying to wrap our heads around leaving Chicago, I asked Miguel if he remembered how he felt or what he was thinking the last few weeks we were in New Jersey. Together, the most we could come up with was that we generally remember feeling excited about the Hamilton adventure but equally terrified about our daughter’s recent epilepsy diagnosis. We could grasp that we were on the cusp of a pivotal moment in our lives but also that there wasn’t much more we could do aside from strap in. 

While this move feels significantly less life-altering, it is definitely more emotional as, of course, Adelaide is at the center of it all. Chicago was where she spent a majority of her short life. She is in the people here who knew her and in the buildings where her energy can still be felt. She will absolutely be coming with us in our hearts but our family of four will be returning to NJ as a family of three and I have been stumbling over that very physical reality since Miguel accepted the job as Hamilton on Broadway. 

Perhaps it’s a bit cheesy, but it truly does feel like I will be leaving a piece of my heart in Chicago. That said, I keep reminding myself of the incredible friends to which we are returning. Also, we will be moving into a new home which I ADORE, in a community that is familiar, with a yard that Jackson cannot wait to see. And not for nothing, but if I can survive the last year then I can handle an emotional move in the days of zoom, cellphones, and airplanes. 

I’m tired of treading tar but in this space, during this pandemic, I’ve struggled to make a change. The last few months did force me to sit in my grief in a way I had tried to rush through before. Now I recognize that I’ll never stop grieving Adelaide, and that’s ok, but it’s time to start living again. It’s a little dramatic that its taking an 800 mile interstate move to jumpstart my forward momentum but, hey, I wouldn’t be Kelly Cervantes if it didn’t.