Hey! Guess what?! This week was actually better than last! Maybe I’m finally flattening my own emotional curve, though I think we probably need a few more weeks of data to be certain. Oh, I am definitely still heavily dependent on my meds, there were tears, and more than a couple anxiety induced emotional-reset naps… but there were also more frequent good moments and I’m going to hold on to that. What spurred this shift, you ask? It was pretty basic, actually: I felt needed and useful. 

I’m a do-er, always have been, I feel the most energized and am happiest when I’m busy. I’ve run in a similar pattern for years: go, go, go until I burn out (and often get sick), slow a bit to get well, then regain full momentum until my body once again forces me to hit pause. Few things make me feel more content than opening my calendar and seeing a full day ahead of me. If I’m busy, then I’m probably productive and if I’m productive then I’m adding value to the world. I cannot stress enough how important it is to me to feel that my actions, my life, means something. This is my purpose at its most basic level. Losing Adelaide not only left a gaping hole in my heart, it also left me with a very hungry purpose and no energy feed it. Enter Covid complicating everyone’s ability to do much of anything and, well, here we are.

When I was first navigating Adelaide’s illness and my new job as her round the clock caregiver I confused my identity with my purpose. I know now that they are not the same thing. Like many people, I associated my identity with my career and took that to be my purpose. So, going from managing millions of dollars of annual events at a popular restaurant to managing the care and schedule of one little girl felt like a devaluation of my self worth. I know, I know, to Adelaide and the rest of our family I was invaluable. But without my career and a trajectory, it was like someone had cut the cable to my greater purpose.

In those early days in Chicago, I resented Miguel deeply for his freedom to come and go from our home, for his career, for his busy schedule. Through therapy I learned to work through these emotions and to find ways to feel more fulfilled in my life - to feed my purpose from within. This is also when I realized that career, identity and purpose are all separate entities. I made sure not to make that mistake again. When I stepped into the advocacy world, I was very careful to identify myself as Kelly Cervantes, first and foremost. Not Miguel’s wife, not Adelaide and Jackson’s mom. I was me, everything else was a descriptor. Advocacy, fundraising, and eventually writing began to feed my purpose more efficiently than any activity in my past lives: Kelly 1.0 was the actress, 2.0 was the hospitality career woman, 3.0 was a caregiver and advocate. Each of these phases of my life added to my current identity. Another ring in the trunk of my tree and the better each phase fed my purpose the stronger my tree grew. 

Since Adelaide’s death I’ve been existing in a transition period. I can see Kelly 4.0 in the future but I don’t know how to get to her. Truth be told, I actually don’t think I’m ready to be her yet but I know life will be easier when I am. I know that this transition is just as important as any individual phase. That I need this time to process this major life change and the trauma of it all, to grieve and heal. But just because I know this is what I need to do, so that I can become the best version of Kelly 4.0, it’s still hard AF. Not to mention that there is no road map, no instruction book, no way to know when it’s time to force myself through.

So, what shifted this week? I stopped focusing on who I am now and who I want Kelly 4.0 to be and instead fed my purpose. My marathon pace of yesteryear is not a realistic goal but I can still find ways to be productive and of value. Last week CURE came to me and asked if I was up for hosting a virtual episode of our podcast Seizing Life. I came back to them with a resounding, “YES!”. We taped on Monday and, in a monumental effort by the team, they turned the episode around for a Facebook viewing party on Wednesday. I finally had something to do: I did my research for the episode, got myself physically ready (it’s amazing what getting dressed and putting on make up can do for your mental well being), then got back in my interviewer seat. All of this together: getting ready, taping, reviewing the episode, and the viewing party, took up no more than several hours of my time but the feeling of being productive and useful carried me through the next few days. That feeling motivated me to submit last week’s blog to LoveWhatMatters.com (which they published yesterday), and gave me the strength to free write a couple days this week. Something I haven’t done in months. There’s no way to know how long it will take me get to Kelly 4.0 but as long as I keep feeding my purpose I’m confident I’ll find my way to her. And she’ll be stronger than ever.