Rainbow connection

A while ago I read a post from a woman who had lost her husband. I believe it was about navigating dating after loss. Anyway, she referred to the time she had with her deceased husband as a chapter of her life, and now she was entering the next chapter. Which makes sense and is a healthy way to frame loss and grief.

Logically I know this. Logically I also know that grief is grief AND no person’s loss can be compared to another’s AND that we all grieve and heal in different ways. But emotionally? Emotionally after reading this I felt an all-consuming rage. The kind that eats at you and doesn’t let you think of anything else for days on end.

“A chapter?! Must be nice for her that she can just neatly finish that chapter of her life and move on to the next.” I thought to myself. Which is ridiculous because grief is the messiest emotion there is and she was most definitely grieving. 

Her words nagged at me for months - and I don’t even know her! I knew jealousy was somehow to blame: this was a person who was healing, who was moving forward, but I was still struggling. But it was more than that. As a writer, who often utilizes metaphors, I have consciously and adamantly resisted thinking of Adelaide as a chapter of my life. 

She IS my child. Regardless of how long we have together physically, I just don’t believe there is ever an end to that parent-child connection. Relegating her to a chapter means that she is part of my past, which I just can’t reconcile with how strongly I feel her in my present.

…Except that I don’t always - and the irrational spiraling continues.

Last week I grabbed a late breakfast with a friend, a fellow child-loss mama. It’s been years since she lost her son but you can see that unmistakable pain sitting just behind her eyes if you know to look for it. Since her son’s passing she has made it her mission to help other parents and families of child loss. She eats, breathes and sleeps grief, trauma and healing. So, you’d think she would have a pretty good handle on her own - and she does!

However, she admitted to me that two different health professionals in her life had told her that she needed to reconnect with her lost son in order to be able to move forward and find grounded happiness. At first I was admittedly confused - what did she mean by connection? Here is a woman who LITERALLY discusses grief at weekend long retreats, shares her story and helps others share theirs, of course she’s connected to her son. 

But as we continued to talk I understood that she meant something more - be it a spiritual or emotional connection - and not with her grief, or the cause that took him, but with her child. 

Let’s call it a rainbow connection :)

Just as we need to take time to nurture the relationships with those physically with us, we can also make space and time for those that are not. For some people that could be prayer or meditation. Maybe for others it’s taking a walk on a trail you walked together or listening to their favorite album. It could be throwing them a ladybug themed birthday party where you buy a lovelines of ladybugs and then release them. …Ok, that one is probably just me. Last year I also began writing in a journal, all letters to Adelaide, things I wish I could tell her, ask her and talk to her about: from how much I miss her to some of my anxieties about bringing a new child into our family. I don’t write to her often enough, but the nights that I do, I undoubtedly feel closer to her. It is also those nights that I am more likely to see her in a rare dream.

Prior to this revelation, I thought writing my blog and being open about my grief journey would keep me connected to Adelaide - but our grief is personal and, quite frankly, selfish. I thought continuing to advocate for our epilepsy and medically complex communities would keep me connected to her - and while it certainly helps me keep her memory alive it’s not actually HER I’m connecting with. We CAN find ways to keep our departed loved ones a part of our present if we want to, but it takes conscious effort to create this rainbow connection.

For some folks, the chapter concept works - their loved one remains in memory which is what they need to continue to heal and move forward with their lives. By all means, if this works for you, run with it! But it really, REALLY didn’t work for me. And that’s ok too. So, the rainbow connection it is, “for the lovers, the dreamers and me.”