Here comes the sun?

It’s hard to not be in a good mood during those first warm days of spring, when the sky is clear, the flowers are blooming, and the trees start to bud… unless of course you have horrible seasonal allergies in which case I’m sending antihistamines and Kleenex your way.

I don’t specifically remember these magical spring days from my childhood, but perhaps that’s because in the Midwest spring is less a season than a tennis match between summer and winter: one week you’re in shorts and the next you’re pulling on snow boots before reverting to shorts three days later. But when I went to college in Boston that changed. Those first days of warmer weather were some of the most memorable of the year. I would skip afternoon classes and aimlessly wander the streets of Boston with a friend or sneak into Fenway Park back when they used to open the gates behind the Green Monster during the seventh inning stretch.

The New York version of these spring days looked like meeting up with a friend for a drink at a bar that was able to fully open the large front folding glass doors. In Chicago it was walking with Adelaide along the 606 (kinda like the Highline in NYC but less commercial) with the first iced coffee of the season in hand. I loathe winter and the bitter cold and cannot wait to finally live in a city where lined boots are not a requirement, however, those long, dark, winter months sure do make these spring days that much more special.

And they are special. That hopeful feeling filled with the promise of warmth and growth only lasts a few days before the rain clouds roll in or the warm weather becomes expected and normal. But on those days I walk lighter, smile easier and am generally happier regardless of regular life stress. So, naturally, (not unlike when I came home from Mexico) my brain starts questioning how can I retain this feeling?

By the way, thank you again for everyone’s meditation app recommendations. I am embarrassed to report that I lasted all of 15 seconds before throwing my phone across the room in total frustration at my inability to sit still or quiet my mind. At the advice of some friends, I have decided to instead focus on breathing and breath work and that has gone far better – still challenging – but better.

All this to say that what I am coming to understand is that life, our emotions, and our state of mind is always going to be in flux. That pure unfiltered joy, whether it’s staring out at the ocean or driving down the street with the window open and a jam on the radio, is not the status quo. Joy or peace is not and cannot be all or nothing. Our emotions are not on a spectrum with grief or depression on one end and happiness and calm on the other. They co-exist within us all at once.

Different people in different times of their lives may be more inclined to let different emotions take up more space. In general, I find it easier to sit in my more negative emotions. Interestingly, I don’t consider myself a pessimist, however, I will admit that experiencing and accepting joy does feel like more work to me. Versus someone else who will actively repress their negative emotions preferring to live in surface happiness. Neither is healthy per se – I think the trick is finding the balance, again not between one or the other but among all at different times.

I used to think that if I found my purpose, and then found success within that purpose, that I would then achieve true and sustained happiness. Like unlocking some sort of achievement in a video game. I now understand that is not how it works. First, our purpose is ever evolving and changing. Then there is the issue of who is determining what success even is? Because my internal referee keeps moving the goal post on me. But even more than that, I’m not sure that sustained happiness is the goal. Or that it should be. I mean sure, yes, ideally we are happier more than we aren’t, but there is nothing wrong with me if I’m not always blissfully happy. No matter what you think you see on social media or in new articles, no one is always happy.  

Again, no one is always happy.

100% happy is not the goal. The ability to enjoy happiness, to experience it without guilt, to lean into it when its upon you – THOSE are achievable goals. Just as there are moments when we should allow ourselves to lean into the nostalgic, the grief or the pain – but it’s not healthy to live there forever either. As I stare out my window at the explosion of colors in the trees and bushes and in our tiny garden, I am ever aware that life is not just black and white but a compilation of color.

So today I’m going to appreciate this day, this weather and the hope and happiness it brings with it. I’m going to acknowledge that this feeling won’t last forever because it’s not supposed to. There is nothing wrong with me because I am not happy all the time or because I do not function with Mexico-level peace as my baseline.

Though I do promise to keep working on my breathing and maybe someday try the meditation again… maybe.

Image description: Kelly and Strawbaby sitting on a cement wall in front of three stop signs one on top of the other. One with the word 'BE'. The middle with the word 'THE'. The bottom with the word 'CHANGE'.