WTF

This is my WTF face, because what the actual F?

Just when you thought the news couldn’t possibly get any worse, each day this week outdid the one before. I’ve felt deep sorrow, anger, fear, exhaustion, helplessness, a numbing, and an intense lack of motivation. Anything beyond curling up under a blanket with a screen or a book felt like strenuous effort. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t keep going on like this! And then it finally dawned on me that I was going through active grief.

I’m grieving. I think a lot of us are.

While naming the experience doesn’t make me feel better, it does help me understand how to better navigate it. Or at least better prepare since it’s impossible to know if February is going to add gasoline or water to the dumpster fire known as January. I mean, It’s not like we haven’t been through something similar before. So this is my attempt to remind myself how to survive times of great stress, sorrow and fear.

To start, I am going to try to make my life just a little bit simpler. For me this means lowering the expectations I have for myself. Of course if I listened to my therapist I would be doing this anyway but then what would I blame my anxiety on? Unprocessed trauma and poor genetics? That’s not very fun. I digress. What is on my plate that I can accept doing “good enough” vs “practically perfect”? Maybe we’re ordering in and eating more leftovers. Maybe Anessa gets a bit more screen time. Maybe I leave the dishes to be cleaned until the morning. And then most importantly, I don’t beat myself up about it. That’s the hard part but I’m practicing.

My next commitment is to staying informed. I started reading the news daily again because it is important that we know what is happening around us. Choosing ignorance during times like these - specifically when I have the capacity to stay current - is not a privilege I will be flexing. This doesn’t mean that the news is on in the background of our home all day as it once was. No, I am reading the news in the morning. Getting highlights and updates, diving deeper where I want to or can and then x-ing out. I turned off the news alerts on my phone because they were driving me bananas. Besides if it is really important news, I’m going to hear about it from someone somewhere anyway.

Perhaps most importantly, I am choosing to focus my energy where it can do the most good. There are so many communities in need right now it is overwhelming and there is no way one person can help everywhere. However, we can choose one specific area where we have knowledge or can create impact and focus on that.

Given my position on two medical research boards I am making sure I stay up to date on everything that is going on at the NIH. For those unaware it is currently frozen: no research grants are being reviewed or awarded and no NIH employees are allowed to attend meetings with people or groups outside of the organization - in person or virtually. It is unlikely to end until there is a new HSS secretary in place and even then it is unclear what the NIH will look like under this new administration. It is possible that there will be researchers as well as patients who will be in need of support in the coming weeks and months and I hope to be able to help.

This doesn’t mean I will ONLY be focused on this specific community. If there are other places I can be of use, other voices I can lift, causes I can champion, then by all means, lets go. But I am recognizing up front that I can’t be everything to everyone. We can however, be a whole freaking lot to one group, one community, or one organization.

With that in mind, if you are a marketing professional or work in HR, have a graphics background or are social media savy – what if you donated an hour or two of your time each week to help a non-profit or a local minority owned business in your specific area of expertise. Providing skill-based services to those in need can go so much farther than you ever imagined. And all it costs you is time.

Now, props to anyone who noticed I started this list with a recommendation of scaling back and ended it with leaning in. But its focused leaning in, so it’s different. And besides this is how we keep our therapists in business.  

Hang in there, friends. You and your WTF face are not alone.

Photo ID: Kelly looking into the camera wearing a pink beanie and a maroon shirt. She is not smiling and her eyebrows are raised with her eyes are open wide. She is pressing her fingers against her temple. The blurred interior of a home can be seen behind her.