Anxious in isolation
Social-distancing with the best, March 2020
Throughout my time writing this blog I have focused primarily on Adelaide. Yes, I’ve spoken about myself and how I’ve processed, coped, failed and persevered as well as my experience as a caregiver. But, I haven’t spoken about my own chronic medical condition aside from a few comical quips here and there. I’ve made it no secret that I battle anxiety, that I see medical professionals to help me work through it and that I take multiple medications to help. What I haven’t been fully honest about is how much anxiety impacts my life.
Chronic anxiety and depression run in my family. Though, in college, when my symptoms first started to appear I thought the tightening in my chest was related to my asthma. I would take a few puffs of my inhaler, which increased my heart rate and would make the anxiety worse. It wasn’t until a near mental breakdown at the age of 21 that I realized how seriously anxiety could impact my life. I was living in Los Angeles at the time for an internship and my parents flew out and brought me home to Omaha, where I stayed for three months before returning to college.
Once I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety I learned some deep breathing techniques and how to distinguish between my emotional and rational thoughts. For the next 10 years or so I was able to manage it on my own. That is, until I discovered that our pregnancy between Jackson and Adelaide would not survive his birth. I tried to force my way through my amped up anxiety but finally realized I didn’t have to and began taking a low dose of a daily med. After Adelaide was born and her medical complications became more evident that dosage was gradually increased. Following her death, I added two benzodiazepines that I take as needed. Some days I need to take something just to have the strength to leave the house. Then there are nights when I am unable to sleep - I relive the last few weeks and months of Adelaide’s life - questioning every decision we made. The grief aggravates my anxiety to levels I have never experienced and can leave me unable to, or at the very least, lack the desire to interact with any other human being. I will crawl into a cell phone game or tv show because the anxiety can’t effect me as much if I’m not engaging with the world. I ignore texts and phone calls, waiting until I have the momentary strength and will to respond to people. You are looking at a social distancing professional here.
I often hear from readers how honest and open I am, but the truth is I share the tip of the iceberg. Ok, maybe I go a little bit beneath the surface but you get the idea. I felt compelled to share the truth about how debilitating my anxiety can be because these are crazy times and it’s important to know we’re not alone in all of this. To be honest, I almost didn’t write this post. As scary as these corona times are, my family is strong and healthy - should we catch the virus we would most likely survive. Neither Miguel nor I currently have any income, however, we have savings to carry us through so we are not stressing financials… yet. Most importantly, we are all together - how great is that! Miguel and I are sharing the home-schooling and household responsibilities so not even that part is so bad because we can do it together. But I know people who are immuno-compromised, financially insecure, and/or are navigating this crisis on their own. So, what right do I have to feel so anxious that my hands are shaking as I type this?
The thing is, it’s not about having a right to be anxious. For me, anxiety is an inherited chemical imbalance that can be triggered out of nowhere, but also certainly by grief and basically anything medically related. I listened this week as a news anchor said people needed to stop complaining about having to stay in their homes. Don’t we all love Netflix and chilling anyway? But staying in my home without activities that force me out is a perfect breeding ground for my anxiety. Our family is being responsible and only leaving our home for daily walks but can we please not downplay the mental effects of five weeks of social distancing/isolation, Mr. News Anchor?
Adelaide’s home ventilator being used in the hospital. It had an adorable giraffe mask and she absolutely hated the thing. BUT with regular nightly treatments it helped her to breathe better during the day and kept her breathing when she was asleep for nearly a year.
We all have triggers that make our hearts race. Some of us have more triggers than others. The fact that this is a respiratory virus and in the end Adelaide died because her body just couldn’t manage breathing anymore, is too close for comfort. When the Governor of New York is standing next to a ventilator, explaining how there will be a shortage, and it is nearly the same model we had in our home for over a year - yeah, I’m hunting down my Xanax and making sure those refills are locked and loaded.
I don’t have answers or solutions beyond the basics. Make sure your friends and family are aware of what you are experiencing and communicate to them when it is effecting you and if there is anything they can do to help. My therapist and psychiatrist are both scheduling video sessions, so social-distancing doesn’t mean you can’t still have talk therapy. There is no shame in medications - as long as they are taken as prescribed, of course. Look, I’m not a doctor or a therapist just a regular person who has been through my fair share of some serious shit. Hang in there, everyone. You are not alone in whatever you are feeling. If you don’t feel like talking to someone about it, try writing it down. How do you think this blog got started? Clearly, there is no blue print for any of this but just know that I see you and am using all my self-coping mechanisms right along with you.
P.S. Please do not worry about me. I will be ok and have an amazing support system. This post is not a cry for help but an effort to normalize mental health, specifically debilitating anxiety aggravated during times of crisis.
