Boob shopping

When I was discussing treatment options with my surgeon for the original tumor, I figured I was for sure winning at cancer because I made her laugh when I told her I wasn’t attached to my breasts, “well, physically I am obviously, but not emotionally.” Essentially saying if you need to take them, so be it. But that was when it was my choice . . . before the lumpectomy . . . before I experienced the medical world as a surgical patient . . . and before I rode the waves of medical PTSD.

It's been three weeks since I found out that removing my breasts was no longer my choice. Those first few days I felt more attached to my breasts – emotionally and physically – than I ever had before. As time has gone on, I’ve accepted the reality and am trying to lean into the fun of having insurance pay for a new rack.

On that note, oh my goodness, the options. I had no idea.

I am prefacing the rest of this post with the disclaimer that I am not an expert on breast reconstruction and nothing that I am about to write should be taken as fact.

The first plastic surgeon’s office I walked into was bright and elegant with black leather and white marble everything. The surgeon greeted me in a fancy designer suit and honestly, I’ve never felt so underdressed for a doctor’s appointment in my life. On the overstuffed and awkwardly deep leather couch in their consultation office I learned all about DIEP-flaps and implants.

For the DIEP-flap procedure the surgeon takes your own fat tissue from below your belly button and uses it to reconstruct your breasts after your mastectomy. Bonus is that you get a tummy tuck and natural tissue breasts. Negative is that you have two major surgeries at the same time and as a result cannot walk upright for weeks.

The doctor showed Miguel and I a book of boobs that he and his partner had worked on. Ya’ll (I am not from the south, but I couldn’t think of another expression that worked as well here), I have never seen so many boobs in my life. We sat there looking at page after page of DIEP-flap vs implant boobs as if we were in a touristy restaurant where they show the pictures of the food on the menu but instead of lunch we were ordering boobs.

The doctor mentioned that I would probably still need small implants since I didn’t have enough tissue in my tummy (I have plenty in my hips and ass, but he wasn’t interested in that …). Still, he pushed the DIEP-flap surgery HARD and I left that appointment thinking, “why not get a little tummy tuck too while I am at it?”

And then I met with the second plastic surgeon. Her office was understated, down the street from my house, and she walked into the room wearing loafers. Talk about vibe whiplash.

“If I were you, or if you were my best friend, I would tell you to get implants. There’s no need to put your body through two major surgeries when you’re going to need implants anyway.”

It was around this time that I started crying as I explained to her my medical ptsd post-Adelaide and how I wanted more than anything to put this entire cancer chapter behind me. But as long as I have implants there will be a physical reminder of the cancer, of what it took from me, and how my life had been hijacked once again.

The surgeon asked her assistant for tissues for us both as she was now crying as well.

“I don’t know exactly what you are feeling, but I know that you are not the first woman to feel this way. I also know that many women find their implants to be empowering and confidence boosting. In time they can become a symbol of not what you’ve lost, but all you’ve survived.”

I took a deep breath and knew I had found a person I could trust to lead me through this next phase.

From the second plastic surgeon I learned I was a great candidate for “nipple-sparing surgery” (which aren’t words I ever thought I would be writing in a blog…). Nipple sparing still means I will lose feeling which sucks from a mental and sexual standpoint, but it’s undeniably better than risking my life. And if my nipples can’t be spared then the 3D tattoos they do now are UNREAL.

Also, if I don’t like the way the implants look and feel, I can always do a little lipo and then inject that fat into my boobs. Perhaps the best part is that because of The Women's Health and Cancer Rights Act (WHCRA) of 1998, insurance has to pay for all of it. For once I am relieved by men’s obsession with boobies.

From the beginning, I have wanted this cancer part of my story to be resolved quickly. To be able to move on and not look back. But this temporary bit of cancer in my boob is going to have permanent effects on my body.

Physically, I will never be the same.

But maybe I can find some power in that as well. More scars to turn into works of art…

ID: Kelly is standing outside in a backyard, green grass, blue skies and a swingset can be seen behind her. She is wearing a light blue denim dress and holding a baseball in one hand and a basketball at the other and shrugging her shoulders. Miguel is staring at the balls, which are at her chest level, as if trying to make a choice between the two.