Who you gonna call?
This week I have spent a lot of time thinking about life after death, spirits and consciousness. You know, super light, meandering musings…(insert eyeroll). For those individuals that have a strong sense of their beliefs, I am frankly a little jealous. These are topics I’ve avoided because I find all options overwhelming and since no one knows for sure, I figured there was no point spending too much time thinking about it. That was before my child died.
I have been attempting to write this week’s post for days now and it’s been a struggle. I’ve nearly scrapped it altogether half a dozen times out of fear as to how it would be received or, rather, how I would receive the response. So, I ask, please proceed gently. That said, how can I write about grief, continue to be honest with all of you and not discuss this very real part of the grief journey? I mean, I think it’s pretty normal to wonder what really happens to our loved ones after they die. Look, I have no idea what the answers are, but I thought it might be helpful to others who are also lost and confused in their grief to share where I currently find myself.
My difficulty begins with acknowledging that it’s damn near impossible to think about some sort of life after death and not attach religious and societal ideology to it. I’m not saying that any particular beliefs are right or wrong, I’m just saying let’s put the wings, halos and Slimer aside for a moment. What we’re left with is consciousness, which conventional thought says resides in the brain. But thanks to Adelaide, I’m all too aware how little we actually understand about how the brain really works. All of this to say that no one knows for sure what happens to our consciousness/spirit when our bodies die. It could cease to exist as well, or…
What if some part of my Adelaide is out there? It doesn’t take long to get from there to, what if there is a way I can connect with her? Shouldn’t I at least try? The truth is that even if I could connect with her in some way, I know there would be some part of me that would question that connection. I suppose that is where blind trust, or faith, comes in. However, if I believe that I’m connecting with her and it makes me feel better, does it matter whether it’s real or not? Also, if I can connect with her now that would mean that we could be together again when my body is gone like hers. This is where my jealousy for individuals who truly believe that they will see their deceased loved ones again comes into play. It brings them peace to have this knowing. I would love to have this knowing. I want to choose to believe that Adelaide and I will be reunited in some altered state of consciousness or spiritual life, yet I am unable to stop questioning. Please do not misinterpret this to be some sort of plea to be converted to anyone’s specific beliefs. One thing I have learned is that our paths to making sense of death and any ‘life’ beyond, is incredibly personal. Attempts to persuade can often only push folks (ie. me) further away.
Still, I cannot let go of the idea that some part of Adelaide could be out there waiting for me to be open enough to feel her. So, I am gradually allowing myself to grow more comfortable with the possibility. After all, no one can prove that some sort of life or consciousness after death doesn't exist. Science has yet to explain consciousness, and stories of spiritual connections and near death experiences are far to prevalent through centuries and across cultures to be entirely ignored. If it can't be disproven, then it stands to reason that it is possible; not definitive, but possible. This small acceptance has led me to write a journal where I address each entry to Adelaide. It has felt good to talk to her again. It’s been pretty emotional and the jury is still out on whether that’s healthy, but for now I’m appreciating the intimate outlet.
Which leads me to the scariest part of all of this. What if I allow myself to believe in the possibility that some part of her is still with me and I open myself to a connection and nothing happens? I’ve thought about finding a medium but I’m equally unsure I will believe whatever happens and fearful that Adelaide won’t connect, or manifest, or conjure, or whatever the right word is. All this to say it’s complicated and all those out there that are unsure of what to believe, I see you. There are no facts here, nothing can be tested or proven. My answer is to gradually open my heart to the possibility and see where that gets me.
So, if you’re out there Adelaide, I’m here and I’m trying to listen.
July 2019
