Feb 19

Feb 19 WANTED: Mute button

So, I was chatting with my agent this week (she said in her bougiest voice)…

Side bar - I have a lit agent now! EEEEK!

I am simultaneously excited and terrified because now that someone is investing in me I better live up to expectations - both theirs and my own. Cue me panicking and imposter syndrome setting in. Some people feel like they have an angel and a devil whispering moral sweet nothings in their ears. My moral compass is solidly built on a concrete foundation of guilt so my angel and devil have resorted to building up and tearing down my confidence. They are non-discriminatory in source material and equally relentless in their individual messages.

“You are strong, determined and smart. What can stop you?”

“You can. You can stop yourself because, c’mon, are you really that special? Who are you to think that you have a message that people want to hear? Better check that ego.”

Growing up my parents never failed to tell my brother and I that we were smart, beautiful and how proud they were of us. They still do, which now cues teasing from friends who have witnessed my mother’s fawning over her grown babies. Interestingly, I haven’t seen the same waffling in confidence that I experience, in my brother. Seriously, he’s one of the most confident humans I’ve ever met. So where the heck did this other voice in my head come from?

I know there is study after study I could read about the messages girls and women, in particular, receive through advertising and entertainment outlets. Centuries worth of status quo culture meant to instill in women that they are most attractive, most desirable and liked when they are self-deprecating and demure. I would like to think that I could see through most of this but inevitably, pieces of the message are absorbed. Messages like, if I believe that I am talented, intelligent or attractive it is equivalent to thinking I am full of myself - and we all know that’s bad. So, I set the bar for deserved confidence at perfection and have always fallen short because, guess what, I’m not perfect.

Rationally, I’m aware of how ridiculous this is. Absolutely no one is perfect - that doesn’t mean that no one deserves to be confident in their abilities! Also, not for nothing, my family and friends already love me and are not going think poorly of me because I am able to see in myself what they see in me. This doesn’t mean that we can’t acknowledge our weaknesses and either work to improve them or, as I’m more apt to do, work around them. We can have weaknesses and still acknowledge, embrace and celebrate our strengths.

I am deciding to make a concerted effort to drown out the condescending voice that tells me I’m not good enough because I’m not perfect and to instead embrace the encouraging voice.

I AM a talented writer.

I AM a great mother.

I AM beautiful.

PERIOD. No in spite ofs or even ifs.

Saying these things out loud doesn’t make me full of myself. Now, if these statements led me to believe that I was somehow better than anyone else THAT would be problematic. But my confidence shouldn’t take away from, or threaten, anyone else. I can be confident in myself and still value others - this is not the either/or scenario I once perceived it to be. AND as long as I treat others with kindness, respect and empathy, then if anyone is threatened by my confidence that is their issue not mine.

I am going to publish this book. I will continue to connect with people and give them hope. I can be me and continue to learn and grow and be confident in the person I am, and the person I am always becoming. Rewiring my brain to accept this as canon will be a challenge, but I am going to make a concerted effort. Now, if only our subconscious came with a mute button…