Ch-ch-ch-changes

And then it was August. Even though it is still 90 degrees outside and my kids don’t go back to school until after Labor Day, I can feel autumn and all its changes right around the corner. As long as there are school-aged children living in my home, the start of a fresh school year will continue to feel more like a new beginning than January 1st ever will. A new school year mandates change to the routine of our lives in the way a traditional new year can only do arbitrarily.  

I look around and see my family’s lives changing at such a rapid pace it can be overwhelming. Jackson will be entering his final year of elementary school and is becoming a tween before my eyes. Strawbaby is communicating more clearly, we have made HUGE progress on the potty training front and she is capable of understanding instructions - whether she chooses to follow them or not is another issue altogether. Miguel continues on in Hamilton and is close to signing a contract for another year, but this July he marked six years of performing in the show (minus the year and a half shut down for Covid). How much longer will he choose to remain in this role? I’m not sure. Meanwhile, the next phase of my life is just getting started. It’s been a super slow build but I can see a possible journey for myself and I really, really, like it.

I’m doing my best to appreciate where I’m at in life at this very moment. To celebrate how far I’ve come. Of course, as soon as I typed last week’s blog about not being depressed anymore, my anxiety poked its head up out of whatever hidey-hole it had found comfort. 

Are you sure you’re not still depressed? 

Really? I’m trying to be happy here! 

Ok, so there is still some work to do - perhaps forever work to do as is the case with any chronic ailment.

Then in a conversation with my brother-in-law I had an aha moment. We were talking about mindset and how we can grow so comfortable in our own personal chaos or hardships that it can be difficult to break the cycle long after the circumstances are affecting us. For him it was depression resulting from a difficult marriage that manifested in low energy and motivation. However, even after the divorce negated his go-to excuse he still has had to work to breakout of that defeated mentality - to make forward progress in his life.

For me, it has been the realization that my breaking free from depression wasn’t a recent event. It actually probably happened six or more months ago. But my depression and its limitations became a known quantity to live with and work around. Without the boundaries it set on my life, the world and all its options felt too big and expansive. Happy was unknown and scary. So, I sacrificed potential happiness for the comfort of the sadness I knew.

In no way am I saying that anyone can just choose to not be depressed. It doesn’t work that way. Thankfully, my depression is situational, I will likely go in and out of it for the rest of my life but it is not a constant chemical imbalance the way it is for some people. Regardless, I didn’t just choose to make the depression go away - it took self-work, realization and medication. However, once I was no longer depressed I still had to make the choice to be happy. To make changes to my lifestyle that reflected depression’s lifted veil.

We cling to these self-identities and perpetuate them: the grieving mother, the broken husband. We can’t snap our fingers and break out of these cycles but we can make the choice to take the first, very terrifying, step forward. The situations that constrained our life, that hurt us, may not have been our fault, but choosing to be happy is our responsibility. 

Happy is the goal! 

Happy should always be the goal.

So, as I start to think about back-to-school shopping, signing the kids up for extra-curricular and coming to the realization that an entirely new wardrobe will once again be needed because these children insist on growing - I’m going to take this opportunity to make a few changes to my own life. Changes that reflect the mindset I am currently in and the one that I am growing toward. One where I take care of myself as well as my family. One where I am not just happy in certain moments, but generally content. One where I am able to embrace change and choose joy.