Flowergirls

“Hey Kel, Do you have a minute? Danielle and I have a question to ask your fam.” My brother said when I answered the phone.

“Um, ok. You’re on speaker phone!”

“Kelly, I’d love for you to be one of my bridesmaids.” Danielle said.

“And Miguel for you to be a groomsman and then Jackson could be a jr. groomsmen or usher since he’s probably too big and cool now to be a ring bearer.”

“We’d love to!” I said.

“Of course, man!” Miguel said.

“Sure.” Jackson said.

“Who is going to be the flower girl?” I asked.

This conversation had occurred prior to us picking up Strawbaby. I had so desperately wanted Adelaide to be a flower girl. Not because she cared or even enjoyed it. It was my wish. I wanted to see her all dressed up and represented at a milestone family event. Maybe it was because I knew she would never have a wedding of her own, or maybe it was because it felt like a normal part of childhood that she should be able to experience, or maybe I just like seeing little girls in fancy dresses. Regardless, she was almost a flower girl in our friend’s wedding, but we enlisted hospice services the week before their wedding and decided it was no longer in her best interest to travel. She passed two weeks later.

“My god-daughter is going to be the flower girl.” Cameron replied.

A tincture of anger, resentment and grief flooded my veins. As if sensing the impending tsunami, my brother added, “we of course want to represent Adelaide and are working on meaningful ways to do that.”

His goddaughter was the perfect person to be the flower girl and I knew that, but it didn’t negate how unfair it was that my daughter wouldn’t be. It also didn’t block the physical outpouring of that emotional tincture into my pillow after the call concluded.

Then Strawbaby entered our lives, and I suddenly had a daughter who could be their flower girl (in addition to his goddaughter). Having a daughter in the wedding party has absolutely help tame some of those more wild (and perhaps irrational) feelings. I got to shop for a flower girl dress and accessories for goodness sake! But it’s also felt super weird. In true Kelly fashion I’ve pushed these contradictory feelings away because I can’t change the circumstances (don’t spend energy worrying about what is out of your control), and also this wedding isn’t about me… or Adelaide.

But now the wedding is this weekend. A wedding, that still isn’t about me or Adelaide so I better figure this out before I tsunami my emotions all over their guests. Thankfully, weddings are emotional events so if I’m a blubbering mess no one will think it’s strange, right? Note to self: bring waterproof mascara.

Some situations with all their contradictory emotions don’t have to be reconciled. We can just let them be their effed-up selves and keep going with our lives. This one, however, I do feel like I need to figure out so that I can enjoy this amazing day – my little brother is getting married you guys! And to an incredible woman that I absolutely adore. It is time put some of those Sicily bliss lessons into real life practice.

So, instead of letting my grief steamroll me like it did when we returned to New Jersey as a physical family of three and I had to pull over on the side of the road due to a panic attack – I’m trying to prepare for this weekend. I figure the hardest parts will be family photos, the ceremony itself and making it through my speech at the reception. Barring some unforeseen hurtles I should be home free post-speech.

For me, envisioning these events in advance helps. I can’t predict exactly how they will go of course, but by now I know what sets me off. For some of the photos, I’ve asked my brother and his bride if it’s ok to include a small ladybug stuffed animal or photo of Adelaide – certainly not in all of them, but a few where she’s discreetly represented. I will also bring small ladybug stickers that I can add to Strawbaby’s flower girl dress and Jackson’s suit. Small but meaningful ways that she can be present and remembered. This way, when I see Strawbaby coming down the aisle it will feel, in spirit anyway, like both my girls are there. I’m sure I’ll still be a mess, but hopefully this will help transform those confusing feelings to something more closely representing the joy I’m also feeling for this celebration.

As for my speech, I’m sure I will have had a couple drinks by then and goodness knows I’ve pushed through emotional public speeches in the past at CURE Epilepsy events. Worse comes to worse there’s always Xanax :)

Phew, ok, I’m feeling much better about all of this. I can’t deny the emotions, they will be there, but I can prepare for them, and I can support them. And hopefully that way I can enjoy this beautiful and special day, celebrate the love of two of my favorite humans, welcome my new official sister to the family and hopefully embarrass the crap out of my brother – because that is clearly my responsibility as his only sibling.

#LongLiveSiblingRivalry