Guilty pleasures

Hi there, it’s me, still working through my guilt issues over here, but happy to report that I am making slow and steady progress. In my last post on guilt, I worked through identifying what was guilt vs. empathy, I’ve now moved on to guilt for not doing enough or not maximizing my days.

My busyness comes in waves. Right now, with the book launching in less than 50 days (what?!), the kids back in school and activities in full swing, Miguel still in Hamilton AND opening a business, life in the Cervantes household is chaotic. But a good chaotic… most of the time.

This year hasn’t always been this busy though, there have been lulls where the CURE Epilepsy meetings are sparse, child chauffeuring is minimal, or I’m in-between phases with the book. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter how packed my schedule is, I still feel the guilt pangs creeping in when I choose to sit and watch tv, read a book, scroll social media, or even take a nap. And why wouldn’t I when our society has literally termed these, “guilty pleasures”?  

But why does enjoying something need to induce guilt? I mean, seriously.

My theory is that it comes down to time and how limited it is. There is ALWAYS something that needs to be done: laundry folded, bills to pay, emails to answer. By the time I’ve accomplished those things, there will be a response to my email that I need to reply to, a meal to prepare, or a doctor’s appointment to schedule. So, when I stop and do something for myself, I feel guilty, because there are, at minimum, 100 other things I could be doing that would be a more efficient use of my time.

Then I made a harsh but very simple realization: I will never finish my to-do list.

Ever.

Like never ever.

Growing up, at some point, I absorbed that the responsible way to live life was to complete our obligations before having fun. And when I was a child, I suppose that made sense.

The near entirety of my obligations included homework, unloading the dishwasher, and making sure I told my parents where I was going before I left the house. That was a to-do list that could be reasonably completed. Of course, I also didn’t have to pay rent, or significant bills, and the only person I was responsible for was myself – and even then, I had my parents to fall back on. But now, as an adult and a parent, this ‘work first, play later’ mentality has created a breeding ground cultivating decades of guilt.

Now, I could reframe the way I think about my time spent away from the to-do list and justify it to basically anyone. Those books I’m reading are research. That game I’m playing on my phone is supposed to help improve my brain function. That nap I took will allow me to be a more patient and nurturing mother.

But why in the world do I need to justify taking a break from life and just vegging out for a while? Why does pleasure need to have guilt attached to it as the aforementioned term suggests? I mean seriously, the pressure I put on myself to do and achieve - the pressure to be the best mom, to be present, prepared, and available – it’s unrealistic! Even if I never took a break, other than to spend time with my children, I STILL wouldn’t have crossed off every item on the to-do list.

I don’t mean to sound defeatist. It’s not that I’m going to stop doing all the stuff that needs to get done. But what I’m actively trying to work toward is not berating myself for taking that nap during the six-hour window when there are no children in my house. Just because that kid-free time is when I am able to be the most productive doesn’t mean that I HAVE to be productive for the entire time.

Now, my agent who has been patiently waiting for my second book proposal which I’ve been promising her for weeks now, might disagree. Sorry, Courtney (consider this research for book 3 ;)). But what I’m realizing and, more importantly accepting, is that the ‘best’ use of my time is subjective and as long as shit gets done…eventually - life is going to be ok.

Just look at my husband! He’s never worried about a to-do list or felt guilty for taking 4 to 6 hours to go golfing, and he is one of the most successful people I know! I kid, but also, maybe he’s on to something? It is not in my DNA to function the way Miguel does, but perhaps I can learn to split the difference by gifting myself hours in the day to do with as I please.

Instead of thinking of these breaks as guilty pleasures, I am reclaiming this time. I’m not going to call it “self-care” (even if it is), or even “me-time”. It’s just me doing what I want, as a responsible adult, because I can.

So there.

ID: Close-up of Kelly looking at the camera sipping from a plastic cup with an orange straw. City buildings can be seen behind her.