Surrender

Sicily, like its people, food and wine, is powerful. There is still so much to process and I’m sure revelations will continue to come to me in the days ahead but I am going to take a stab at something now while it is all still as fresh as the young ricotta curds I tasted straight from the fire. 

I surrendered control for this trip in a way I haven’t done in years. That I didn’t know what to expect is, at best, an understatement. I knew we were filming a tv show, I knew that there were various food centric excursions planned, I knew we would talk about grief. I knew I was flying into Catania on the Eastern coast of Sicily and that I had been pronouncing it Cat-ah-NEE-ah. Special shout out to the gate agent who asked to confirm I was heading to Ca-TAN-ya, before I made a total fool of myself.

Touching down in Sicily was followed by an hour drive up the coast with Mt. Etna, an active volcano, smoking out one window while the Mediterranean Sea crashed on the rocky shore out the other. I began crying because it was all just so freaking beautiful and I had never seen anything like it all before and was also registering that this trip didn’t exist without Adelaide’s death. That she was the reason I was here and again, how do I freaking reconcile that?!

By the time I stepped into my room with the summer Italian sun blazing in the window, luggage at my feet, and jet-lagged after a 16-hour journey I began to question what in the hell I had gotten myself into. I didn’t know these people! I barely understood what we were doing there! Who had I just surrendered to and what exactly was I surrendering for? 

Over the next four days, I learned that the answers to these questions were as complex and varied as grief as itself.

Surrendering control of my circumstances was the easy part. I gotta say not being the cruise director for four days and just showing up when and where I was told was AH-MAZING. It also helped considerably that the people I had surrendered control and my time to, the FOOD BLISS crew, were amazingly kind, considerate and talented. Oh my goodness, I cannot wait for you all to see this incredible show they’ve created! Even if you hate feelings, even if food and wine shows aren’t your jam, I’m just not sure how you can turn away from the beauty of these shots! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!

I had never visited Italy before so it is hard for me to know if the hospitality and generosity is culturally Italian or if this was a next level Sicilian specialty. But from the butcher to the shepherds, vineyard owners and managers, from the Mammas (oh, the Mammas!) to the baker, our make-up artist and sound professional among many, many others - I found a warmth that went far beyond anything I ever expected from strangers who were teaching a silly American how to create the food and wine they make and eat daily. 

The moments between shots were equally as soul-filling: wandering around small mountain villages on my own, putting my feet in the Mediterranean Sea and time spent chatting about all things grief with FOOD BLISS host and creator, Carole Mac on drives through narrow mountain roads. I mean, when the world around you looks so epically different from anything you’ve experienced before it’s sort of difficult to not let it transport you mind, body and soul.

I had done all my mental pre-work to be sure that I didn’t feel guilty about being away and was truly enjoying the trip and doing my best to stay present when Miguel called on Sunday evening to tell me that he had taken Strawbaby to the hospital with a virus and low oxygen. Surrendering to the experience was one thing, surrendering control of my family’s health was hitting a little too close to home. But an ocean away there was nothing I could do. Given Strawbaby’s otherwise healthy constitution and Miguel’s regular check-ins we knew this was just a really rough cold in a little girl unable to clear the junk in her lungs. She was going to be ok. I could hear that said to me and say it to myself and know it was true in a way it never was with Adelaide. 

As much as I wanted to be with Strawbaby, that was not an option. Even if I could have made it back, my presence would not have made a difference in her health - it certainly would have made Miguel’s life less stressful but he was not incapable of managing the situation. I also sort of surprised myself by feeling a small sense of relief to not be there. Being back in the hospital with a child struggling to breathe would have brought back some serious PTSD. I would have powered through because that is what parents do, but it would have come at a cost to the emotional and mental progress I’ve made. In this situation, given our history, Miguel was better suited to manage this one and I NEVER would have let that happen had I been home.

I guess by being honest with myself, even though Strawbaby was in the hospital, I was able to surrender to the joy - no - bliss of the experience. I allowed myself to be in the moment, to enjoy the land, the people and the food. Of course I had my moments when I would talk with Miguel and learned they were being kept for yet another night in the hospital - but, again, there was nothing I could do about it. Carole and her incredible crew were amazing supports as well allowing me to word vomit all my crazies and reaffirm my more rational thoughts as I worked through the circumstances. I’m not sure I could have found a way to be present and truly enjoy myself with any other group of people.

If I could surrender my stress and grief for a few days in Sicily - albeit with stunning and engaging distractions that are so very, very far from everyday life - then, perhaps, I could also surrender them when I am home. I couldn’t make Adelaide healthy and I can’t bring her back. Both facts are and were entirely out of my control. But I can be happy again. Clearly, the two situations are not the same and I will not hold myself to what I will now refer to as my Sicilian standard because it is inevitable that I would disappoint myself. However, I now know that I can do it. I can be happy again. I can surrender to joy. I can find my bliss.

“Fai quello che puoi con quello che hai nel posto in cui sei.”

Do what you can with what you have where you are.