When I was growing up my mom used to make iced tea in a big plastic pitcher with a spigot. She would fill it up and set it out on the back deck to brew in the sun and, in the heat of the summer, it would be empty by dinner the following evening. This week I realized that we are all an awful lot like that iced tea dispenser and it is really freaking hot outside.
Never, in my nastiest nightmares, did I ever think I would have to make the decision to let my child die - let alone twice. But I have: Adelaide was my beautiful ladybug that passed away outside of my body days before her fourth birthday and Elvis was my little gummy bear that I carried inside me for 20 weeks. After Elvis died I felt compelled to advocate for women receiving abortions further into their pregnancy because I truly believe they are misunderstood. As of this week, however, I guess we have to advocate for abortion as a human right in itself.
The last couple of weeks I’ve had a taste of my next new normal. Miguel is in rehearsals for Hamilton, Jackson has been at camp aaand… I’ve been home. This is the normal that I’ve been terrified of, where everyone else’s lives go on and mine stays right where it is. It’s hard to look at the blank slate in front of me and not see the outlines of what has only recently been erased. I know I have this opportunity to make of my time whatever I want - but c’mon how intimidating is that? I can feel the shakes coming on just typing about it. So where does Kelly 4.0 go from here…
Jackson doesn’t go back to school for three more weeks, but everyone’s back to school photos have me feeling alllll my feelings. You see, Adelaide should be starting kindergarten this fall. There will be a lot of these should’s to come. But this one is hitting me surprisingly hard for so many reasons. Not least of which is the stress I know medically-complex families are enduring as they make life or death decisions about how to protect their children in a world that has politicized masks and vaccinations.
Once upon a time there was a cup of syringes on our kitchen counter. It contained every size syringe imaginable: Silver dollar 60mL behemoths down to the pencil-thin 1mL munchkins.
After Adelaide died I took her items scattered across the kitchen counter and placed them in her room.
“Let’s leave the syringes in the cup.” Miguel said.
So I did. Like a bouquet of clear, plastic, flower stems they sat in the cup in the corner of the kitchen. An enduring symbol of a life that was but also an unexpected source of grounding comfort years later.
Saturday night I had the pleasure of attending my brother and his fiancé’s engagement party in our hometown.
Perhaps I should have prepared myself for Adelaide being a frequent topic of conversation but I was so excited to celebrate the engagement that it never even occurred to me. What came next felt like an hours long emotional bomb raid, but when I woke up the next morning I was able to acknowledge that as difficult as the evening had been, these friends and family had given me the most precious gift a grieving parent can receive.
I am writing this post from Texas at my Mother-in-law’s house which sits on a massive piece of land, so far removed that they cannot even see their neighbor’s house. Talk about a fish out of water for this city girl. Throughout our lives we experience natural lifestyle changes: leaving our childhood home, living independently, creating our own family - we move, we learn, we grow. But then there are those lifestyle changes that are so shattering that they become a delineation in time. For me this is Adelaide’s life and subsequent death. There was life with her and there is life now.
Confession time, I am a total weirdo and look forward to answering Jackson’s questions about sex and the body. So, when Sriracha became a woman this week (two weeks before her appointment to be spade) I was excited for the teachable moment. Maybe not so much for the doggie diaper part though...
ADOPTION DOSSIER CHECKLIST read the header on the document. Below that followed a lengthy list of documents that would be required to process our international adoption application.
- Original Birth Certificate-Parent 1
- Original Birth Certificate-Parent 2
- Original Marriage Certificate
- Original Divorce Decrees/Death Cert, if applicable
A little girl in a bright pink swimsuit splashes in the water in front of me. She looks to be about five years old - the same age as my daughter - if she were alive. My daughter played in this pool too. I had stuffed her steroid-injected sausage-legs into the holes of a baby float.
Two little letters are all that separate have from had but it is so easy to get lost in the distance between them.
Are you breathing? Is your heart beating? Are you conscious and answering my questions? Well, then you’re probably ok.
This is basically of how I parented Jackson while Adelaide was alive.… By no means was he neglected - but the mental load scales definitely tilted toward Adelaide. How could they not? The thing is that my parental concern barometer doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to resettle.
First of all, we are still trying to tie our feet to the ground following your response to our adoption announcement. Thank you. You all sure know how to make a family feel supported and loved… and thank goodness because we have a long way to go.
On another note, I am still wrapping my head around the fact that we could be a physical family of five less than one year from now…
