Jun 10

Jun 10 Swan dive

The last week and a half I’ve felt like one of those toy cars that you pull backwards until it makes that clicking sound and then races forward. It’s not that I haven’t been active or involved in the last two and half years, its just that during that time I developed an incredibly strong aversion to stress. I’ve become terrified of feeling the way I did when I was at my worst after Adelaide passed. The lack of control, the unpredictable emotions, the debilitating anxiety and depression - I’ve come so far and I don’t want to go back.

May 27

May 27 Coping skills

Kelly Cervantes

Jackson came home from school on Wednesday and let me know that they had spoken in his class about the school shooting in Texas. Along with the conversation in class, his teacher emailed a list of 100 coping skills which I appreciated receiving - but also, my child shouldn’t need coping strategies to feel safe at school. We are collectively grieving: all the lives lost to gun violence and also that this nation has failed to protect its citizens from themselves. I may not have a lot of factual knowledge or direct experience when it comes to firearms but I do know a thing or two about grief.

May 20

May 20 Time pressure

Kelly Cervantes

I lost a dear friend this week due to complications from a very fierce fight with breast cancer. Recently we had spoken about the pressure of acknowledging that we had limited time with the people we love. We came to the conversation from different places but our takeaway was the same: there is an unimaginable weight that settles over you when time becomes finite. A desperation to make every moment count.

May 13

May 13 The neverending story

Kelly Cervantes

I overheard Miguel on a call giving someone an update on our lives and he concluded by saying that the world may be in chaos but, in our little bubble, life was pretty good. I had to take a moment to register that he wasn’t wrong. The depressing current events have been filtering my perception of my actual daily life into thinking that it is a shit show as well. How do I still feel present as a citizen of the world and also experience personal joy? I found the answer in the most fantastical of places…

May 6

May 6 Hike for Life

Kelly Cervantes

The leaked supreme court opinion has been consuming all of my waking thoughts. However, having spoken at length about my stance, I thought it might be nice to hear Miguel’s view on it all. He may not be at risk of having his body regulated by the government, but I believe that it is time that men stand with us, shout with us and fight alongside us.

Apr 29

Apr 29 Mom friends

Kelly Cervantes

With Mother’s Day just nine days away I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how I view this holiday in light of our recent familial changes. I’ve decided that its all a little too fresh for me to process and is going to take many more meditation showers. Through it all though, regardless of any of my children’s individual circumstances, motherhood has consistently gifted me one of the things I’ve needed most to survive: community.

Apr 22

Apr 22 Two girls, one dress

Kelly Cervantes

Two girls, one dress, eating lunch in their own way a lifetime apart. Our life has certainly been made a little more wild and a lot more exciting by Strawbaby’s addition. But that’s what three year olds are supposed to do. They are not supposed to spend a quarter of their life in the hospital. Since Strawbaby turned three I have had to make a concerted effort to not focus on all that she is capable of - or rather - all that Adelaide missed out on.

Apr 8

Apr 8 Pass the retinol

Kelly Cervantes

Well, the little girl celebrating her 10th birthday in this photo - in all her puffy paint decorated t-shirt glory - is turning 40 on Monday. And you know what? I’m feeling pretty good about it - today anyway. And by today I mean at this very moment that I’m writing this.

Apr 1

Apr 1 What's your name, man?

Kelly Cervantes

Identity is a concept I have struggled with for most of my adult life. Who am I? How do I describe myself? Is it what you put in bio? A list of accomplishments followed by “lives in Maplewood, NJ”? The mom aspect has, in particular stumped me. I love being a mom but have resented my identity being so closely tied to my relationships. Then along came fate and slapped me in the face with a Strawbaby.

Mar 25

Mar 25 Brotherly love

Kelly Cervantes

It really has been remarkable how seamlessly Strawbaby has folded into our lives. She hasn’t even been in our home for five months and it’s beginning to feel like she’s just always been here.

She wasn’t though.

We all had prior lives that shaped us and that will continue to do so. Whenever I need a reminder of this, I need look no further than Jackson and Strawbaby’s relationship.

Mar 18

Mar 18 Happy now?

Kelly Cervantes

Both for my sanity and Strawbaby’s social development, it became evident that she needed to go to preschool. I anticipated that she was going to be a little wary of being left at preschool but couldn’t predict to what degree. After all, she had come with us, three strangers, without protest, just three months prior. What I hadn’t anticipated was my own emotional reckoning - and certainly not for the reasons.

Mar 11

Mar 11 Making space

Kelly Cervantes

It all happened so quickly. We got the call on Monday and by Friday we were driving away from a CPS office in Texas with a child we had never met before in the backseat of our rental car. The 24 hours prior had been a mad rush to make space in our home. And while there was plenty of space in our hearts, a little rearranging and negotiating was still in order.