Last week, after four years away, we returned to Lake Michigan for a vacation. I was excited to introduce Anessa to my favorite place on Earth, but also prepared for the complicated emotions I anticipated would arise. Grief doesn't follow traditional rules though, and I never could have predicted what would happen.
I hadn’t planned on visiting Miguel in Poughkeepsie where he was working on a workshop of a new musical. I blamed the logistics of traveling with Anessa, but the subject of the musical was also daunting. “The Heart” follows the literal heart of a young man following his death in a car accident into a donor recipient. Miguel was playing the father of the young man who died.
So much of the contention I see in the country right now feels like the product of grief. Not grief as in the loss of a person, but grief as in the loss of an idealized future. Grief as a resistance to the societal changes that are occurring at a faster rate than ever before. And the anger that can surface when we our grief is left unchecked and unseen.
When I first read on Sunday, that Joe Biden was stepping aside like many I felt hopeful. When it became clear that Kamala Harris would be stepping up, the injection of energy, unity, and determination was intoxicating. I’ve enjoyed letting excitement take over because hope feels good. But as I became more hopeful, as I allowed myself to envision a Harris presidency, I felt a surge of anxiety bordering on panic.
This past weekend I had the privilege of speaking at The Compassionate Friends conference. Between my talk and countless conversations, I was thrust back into those early days of my grief. I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come. And I’ll preface my next thought by saying I would rather go back to middle school than be forced to relive those two years. However, they held a hidden beauty. The kind of beauty you can only see in reflection.
I was 27 when we got married, Miguel was 32. In working on the next book, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my 20’s. Reading old journals (so embarrassing) and looking through scrapbooks (good lord I had a lot of free time). I’ve been trying to piece together who I was, what was important to me, and the ways I’ve grown or changed.
It is officially no-school season at the Cervantes house, and we kicked it off with a splash. Last weekend we surprised Jackson and Anessa and took them with us to a Kalahari resort where Miguel and I had been hired to perform and speak at a conference.
It was Saturday afternoon, I needed to make a return at the mall and Anessa had been begging to “go to a shop”. I wasn’t sure how this adventure would play out: it could be a delightful afternoon or a tantrum-laden nightmare. Anessa was getting better at managing disappointment as evidenced by our last few uneventful grocery store trips. So, I decided to take a chance.
I unlock my phone to hand to Anessa and a picture of Jackson and Adelaide cuddling on our couch in Chicago stares back at me from a widget/app/thing that displays a randomly rotated photo. They are both in their pj’s and Jackson has his arms around her in a possessive cuddle as he watches TV. This image, which had been so mundane, so routine to me just half a decade ago, was now relegated to my memories.
There will always be stresses in life: plans that go awry, disappointing outcomes, and the occasional asteroid. This summer, I want to try and enjoy life more, even amidst the inevitable chaos. Or, perhaps, despite it. I know that one day I will miss attending little league games, that I will look longingly at the cherub-faced child in the preschool graduation photos. I want to enjoy it all more NOW.
During a text check-in with a fellow Dead Kids Club member this past weekend, our conversation turned to how no one tells you just how challenging life can get. She noted that sadly, she learned that as a child, but she had a similar conversation with another DKC member whose life was uneventful until the passing of her son. It had been incredibly jarring for her to find out as a 40+-year-old that life does not always go as planned.
If you are fortunate to live long enough, inevitably you will experience moments that forever change the trajectory of your life. These are the dates we recall effortlessly, markers in time, that separate life into before and after. My most significant date is May 26th, 2016. Not even Adelaide’s death, Jackson’s birth, or Anessa’s arrival can compare to the change leveled on our family that day.
