My best friend

I want to start by thanking everyone who reached out with empathy and support after last week’s post. It was a harder blog to publish than most, but I’m glad that I did. My body image issues felt like a dirty dark secret and while I assumed that most people felt negatively about their body shape, I was also simultaneously ashamed that anyone would find out how I felt about mine.

Because I normalized my negative body thoughts, I never fully faced them. But there’s nothing quite like sharing your personal thoughts publicly to force you to make a change. So, instead of shrugging them off like a bad hair day, as I have done in the past, I’ve decided to face them - and your comments last week helped.

First there were a couple of people who recognized that while we hear a lot about eating disorders and body image issues in adolescent and young women we don’t often hear about these problems in adult women. Now, I recognize that adult women are not hospitalized as frequently as younger women are, and that our body image issues may not be as life-threatening. However, just because we are not in crisis does not mean that we shouldn’t acknowledge the problem. Ideally, the more we share and talk about it, are honest with ourselves and others, the more progress we can make. Ooh, kinda like grief! I guess, in a way, we are grieving our former bodies, or our idealized bodies.

So, I want to make progress; I want to love my body. Both for me and so I can continue to set a good example of self-love for my children. I have made a conscious effort to not say anything negative about my appearance in front of my children – though I’m sure there are times I have slipped. That said, if I have, it doesn’t seem to have effected Strawbaby in the slightest. Every time she looks in the mirror, she declares how beautiful she is and refers to her reflection as her best friend. I mean, that is some seriously inspirational energy right there.

For real though, would I talk to my best friend the way I talk to myself? Hell no, I wouldn’t! It’s about damn time I start treating myself with the same respect I show to others. A new take on the golden rule if you will: do unto yourself as you would do unto others.

If I frame this in terms of grief and kindness then I think I might be able to come to a place of acceptance, appreciation and even love. My body has been through a lot and it will never be what it was before and that’s ok. We move forward together as I do with my grief. Having a few resources to lean on would certainly help though. So, I visited the National Eating Disorders website to see what advice they had to offer about positive body image. They provided 10 steps for someone to feel better about the skin they are in. Feel free to check out the full list here. For the sake of brevity, I’m only going to focus on a few that spoke the most to me.

Keep a top-ten list of things you like about yourself – things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like.

I like this one because it forces me to acknowledge qualities outside of my appearance, elevating those to hopefully a higher standard. Also, I love an excuse to make a list. Realistically, I’m always going to care about what I look like – but I also know that my self-confidence is stronger when it is based on the kind of person I am vs. the size of clothes that I currently fit into. I wasn’t magically more confident when I was a size 2 – in fact, considering the steps it took to be a size 2 I would say the opposite is true.

Wear clothes that are comfortable and that make you feel good about your body.

Ok, this one is HUGE for me. For the longest time I resisted buying new clothes to fit this larger body because I was sure that I would lose the weight and fit back into those old clothes. But those clothes weren’t flattering on this new body (and super uncomfortable!) and as a result I hated what I saw in the mirror. When I wear clothes that I know look good on me, that fit me, regardless of the label size, I feel good! Which goes back to the confidence piece. The more confident we feel as a whole, the less likely we are to judge our details. 

Do something nice for yourself.

I am not exactly a martyr and have never had much of an issue doing nice things for myself, but I also recognize what a little pampering can do for our well-being. Next week, Miguel and I leave for a just us/no kids trip to Mexico. I know I’m going to be critical of all pictures taken so I’m setting myself up for success: mani/pedi, blow out, and yes even getting a down there wax so that there is one less thing to worry about when I put that swimsuit on. I have meticulously chosen each outfit to be sure that I like the way they looks on me – even if I’m a little bloated from salt air, food and alcohol. I’m not sure this is what they intended this step to mean but these are all relatively small actions that will boost my confidence and in turn procure a more positive body image.

This is going to be a journey, but it’s one that I’m finally ready to embark on so that when I look in the mirror, I too can see my best friend and declare how beautiful she is.

Image description: Kelly is wearing a brightly colored top and smiling at her reflection in the mirror while holding Strawbaby on her hip.