Reentry

Every three years or so Miguel and I have taken a just-us/no-kids vacation. We cherish this time together where we get to be just us, as a couple, away from the exhaustion of regular life. We get to relax, have fun together and the sex is undoubtedly better when you’re not worried about being interrupted by someone asking for a snack or requesting to sleep in between you.

In the past we have only spent three or four nights away, but this time we took a magical eight days: three nights in Mexico City and four in Ixtapa. Our last just-us trip was in February 2020. It had only been four months since Adelaide had died, we were still living in Chicago and Miguel was preparing to head back to New York to take over as Hamilton on Broadway the following week. We had an amazing time, but I was very much still in the throes of grief. The trip being more about distraction than relaxation.

This trip, though, felt markedly different.

Chalk it up to the passage of time or my dedication to working through and living with my grief, but while in Mexico with Miguel I found a certain stillness, a peace and acceptance of this incredible life I’ve been gifted. I felt genuine gratitude for the time and space to soak up the beauty of the world around me and to revel in the security and passion of our relationship. From exploring the ruins of ancient civilizations to walking in Frida Kahlo’s footsteps, from the explosion of local flavors to gazing at the power and beauty of the Pacific ocean - I let myself disconnect (daily calls home the exception) and it was perfection.

However, as our return to regular life neared, my anxiety found the cracks in the temporary mental dam I had constructed. By the time we made it to the airport my all-too-familiar chest tightness had returned. Upon our initial return home, I was distracted by my excitement at seeing Jackson and Strawbaby – while I appreciated the time away from them, that hadn’t stopped me from missing them terribly. However, they had barely left for school when the last remnants of my internal dam splintered and were washed away by every pent-up emotion, put-off task and to-do list.

Suffice it to say that I’m struggling with reentry.

This feels like more than a typical vacation hangover, though, and has lasted days. Which of course had me questioning what the heck was wrong with me - I mean it was a vacation, and now it’s over, just like dozens of vacations in the past. Why was this one affecting me so much?

What I keep coming back to is my desire to hold on to that feeling of deep peace, acceptance and gratitude, (which is significantly more difficult to do when instead of waking up to crashing waves I’m being awoken by a demanding toddler). It’s more than my morning view though, it is the way I am able to live with my grief. It’s not that I set it aside while in Mexico, in fact Adelaide was rarely far from my mind – but her memory was no longer an anchor but the buoy I’ve been aiming at for so long.

I believe I wrote recently that while I will never accept the suffering Adelaide endured I am finally beginning to accept her death. I am accepting that we did the best we could for her, I am accepting that even though we did not get enough time together that it was all the time she had, and accepting that even though I can no longer hold her she will always be a part of me. Our time in Mexico away from pressing emails and plans, opened up the space in my mind and heart needed to embrace that acceptance. To embrace her. And my relationship with Miguel. And my family. And my hopes and dreams. And my gratitude for it all.

So, over the last few days I’ve been struggling to keep my head above the emotional surge as I look back on the now shattered remnants of that once beautiful space created by my internal dam and fostered by one breathtaking experience after another. At first I thought I was just resisting the chores and obligations of my typical life, but can now see that while I’m sure that’s part of it, I am also grieving the peace I found that I have craved for so long.

Perhaps, it is time that I give meditation a try. Ugh, I cringe at myself even just typing those words. I am so not the person that swaps sleep for waking up early to spend time by themselves – but at this point I think I would try just about anything to get those feelings back. Now, if I’m being totally honest with myself, I will likely find some sort of meditation app, try it once and then settle back into regular life only remembering that I ever contemplated meditation when I come across this blog or the app on my phone. Or maybe not… Maybe knowing that peace and gratitude is out there is enough to motivate me to try finding it again. Consider this my official request for all meditation app recommendations.