Itchy

My birthday is next week, so naturally, I’m a little more reflective this week than most. As I sit looking out my office window into our backyard, it is wild to think how I got here, all the journeys I went on to get to 42 years old. Also, 42 sounds so grown up, like I should have shit figured out, and yet I still feel like I'm sort of stumbling to whatever comes next. I suppose the difference between stumbling in my 20’s and 30’s and the present, is that now I understand that everyone is stumbling. Absolutely no one has this life thing all figured out - and if they do I bet they are so freaking bored.

I don’t do boring and avoid it at all costs. I’m not an adrenaline junky by any means, but I do crave an exciting life. If I look at a calendar and see too many days that look the same, I get itchy. This is one of the reasons I think Miguel and I work so well together: he keeps life exciting by simply existing and I make sure we don’t forget our toothbrushes.

Which is why I started to get nervous earlier this year. With Miguel home, running our new family-owned batting cage, would our days become routine? Sameness is not something Miguel and I have experienced much in our 18 years together. We have not lived in the same town, held the same jobs, had the same people living in our home, or had the same lifestyle for more than three consecutive years.

Maybe this is normal for this stage of life? Who knows. Regardless, I’m less focused on what is normal for others and more focused on what has become standard for us. More specifically, am I ready for this life we’re now leading to be our forever life?

Of course, when my panic was peaking over this rhetorical question Miguel had only left Hamilton two months prior. It was also the dead of winter, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen the sun. I’m an Aries folks, my brain goes to dark places when deprived of that sweet fiery sunshine.

In the notes app on my phone, where I word vomit all my irrational thoughts to be processed at a later date, I wrote, “Why am I so worried about this? It’s only been two months. I know I should give myself a chance to adjust. Is this my anxiety or is this something else? Am I self-sabotaging?”

As a general rule, if I’m ever asking myself if this is my anxiety at work, the answer is almost always, yes. Some people’s anxiety is triggered by chaos, mine, apparently, gets lit over routine.

This week when I looked at the upcoming schedule, I felt immense relief. The weeks ahead were filled with several fun events, the start of the kids’ baseball seasons, and a couple of work trips. It wasn’t just relief though, I felt invigorated, and motivated. It was enough to get me to sit down and focus on the proposal for book two which I have been struggling with for months. I am also not going to discount the value of seeing family, friends, and, maybe most importantly, the sun, last week in Miami and North Carolina.

Thanks to a full-enough schedule and a dose of vitamin D, my panic has been averted… for the time being. I do, however, think it’s important to acknowledge this part of my personality. Not as something that I need to work on, but something to work with.

There is nothing wrong with craving a more exciting life (Kelly’s version), but I do need to be proactive and schedule activities or events in advance so that I have things to look forward to in the not-so-distant future. It doesn’t have to be big plans, lunch with a friend, plans to see a movie, just something that gets me out of the house and out of the humdrum of the everyday.

So, I guess this is a reminder, if you are the sort of person who gets itchy when their life is too much of the same, or if conversely your anxiety is piqued by uncertainty: wait a couple of months before panicking. Open your calendar, schedule accordingly, and step back before doing anything rash.

It could be a bigger feeling, but it’s probably just your anxiety.

Photo ID: Miguel and Kelly leaning into each other and smiling at the camera. Miguel is wearing a blue floral button-down shirt, and Kelly is wearing a light green button-down shirt. Large windows and daylight can be seen behind them.