It's Always Something
During high school, I developed a slight obsession with Gilda Radner. It started my sophomore year when I competed in the National Forensics League tournament (not dead people, more like competitive speech and acting – obviously only the coolest kids did it). At this competition, I saw students compete with a selection from a book called “Bunny Bunny” written by Gilda and her writing partner and dear friend, Alan Zweibel. It was funny, it was heartbreaking, it spoke to my dramatic soul.
I watched Gilda’s SNL compilation DVD on repeat. Rosanne Rosannadanna and Emily Litella became engraved in my ethos. Then I read her memoir. Probably one of the first memoirs I read outside of Anne Frank’s diary. With my oldest friend (not oldest by age, but oldest by length of friendship), Mike Nickel, we would use “Bunny Bunny” the following school year and go on to win State (STATE CHAMPS FOREVER!).
There was something about Gilda’s spirit that reminded me so much of my Mimi… that and the fact that they both passed from cancer that afflicted reproductive organs (ovarian for Gilda, uterine for my Mimi). I felt cheated by both of their deaths – I mean, I didn’t even know that Gilda existed before she died. Also, I was seven.
Last week I decided to go back and reread Gilda’s memoir, “It’s Always Something”. I hadn’t read it since high school when it took a stranglehold on me, and I was curious what effect it would have on me now.
First, I was slightly alarmed to realize that I am now the same age that Gilda was when she passed away: 42. This seems bizarre to me. Gilda has been my sage since I was 15, how could I be her peer… at least in age? Her book discusses her rise to fame, touches on her years on SNL, and her true love, Gene Wilder. But the majority focuses on her various cancer treatments, the people she met, and her mental state throughout.
My first thought rereading her book was why the fuck can’t we believe women when they say there is something wrong with their bodies? Gilda went 10 months without a diagnosis before having a grapefruit-sized tumor removed from her abdomen. At no point did she seem to blame the doctors for not taking her seriously, for telling her that it was a psychological issue (seriously, wtf). Now, diagnostic treatments have come a long way in 40 years but COME ON. It pains me that this is still a critical issue in women’s healthcare.
But what I really want to share with you this week is some wisdom from Gilda that can speak to so many of us who are also caregivers and grievers and those of us just trying to survive another day…
“If indeed God created the world and then left us on our own to work things out, then getting together with other people to communicate is what we should be doing.” -Gilda Radner
Gilda spoke at length over multiple chapters, about The Wellness Community, a non-profit in LA that provided space for people with cancer to connect and share their experiences. Decades later there are Facebook groups and hashtags for just about everything, but there is nothing quite like connecting in person with other people who ‘get it’. From attending an in-person grief retreat at Hayden’s House, to meeting other families at Epilepsy Awareness Day at Disneyland, there is nothing like hugging someone who doesn’t have to say, “I can’t imagine…”
“While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die –whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.” -Gilda Radner
Gilda would purposefully pack funny slippers to wear in the hospital just to make her nurses laugh. She placed a post-it note that said TGIF on her stomach before getting radiation one Friday afternoon. She asked Gene and her caregivers to video record the 36 hours of her life that she was knocked out during her chemo treatments so she would know what she was missing – which was just her sleeping… for 36 hours… in a hospital bed.
Yes, she got depressed and went days without getting out of bed, but she also had days where she lived despite her treatments. She allowed space to feel the shittyness of it all, but then she would get up and keep living, enjoying, and laughing. Even when life was hard – especially when life was hard.
“What I’ve learned the hard way is that there’s always something you can do. It may not be the easy thing to do. In some cases, death seems more desirable. But there is always something you can do.” -Gilda Radner
This one needs no reflection. There is always something. It’s always something.
Gilda – may you rest in peace and laughter.
ID1: Kelly wearing a red shirt with tan suspenders. She is smiling and holding Gilda Radner’s memoir, “It’s Always Something”, which has a red cover and a photo of Gilda Radner with short hair, wearing a whitie shirt, black blazer, and red suspenders.
ID2: A black and white photo of Gilda Radner, her hair is long and wavy and she has a flower above her ear. She is wearing a white shirt and is blowing a gum bubble.
